Still detaching. Trying not to react to her BS snide/vicious/unrealistic/passive aggressive comments. It really is counterintuitive to not try to correct her BS. That is a 180 though.
Good, keep it up!
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We're relatively cordial to each other except when I do me. (GAL) She gets PISSED. It's really hard to not react emotionally. (Internally) I haven't reacted so that's good.
Can you give an example of this? WAS's don't typically get pissed about a LBS doing GAL stuff unless they are just disappearing without warning and/ or dumping home/kid care responsibilities on them.
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W You're going up to bed?!?! H Yeah. W Why are you going so early? You always go at 8. Why are you changing all of a sudden. You don't want to be in the same room as me? Is it so bad?
I so want to say YES!!!! I don't want to be in the same room! Same house! Same life! I'm sooo pissed at you for all of the things you did!!!! YOU KILLED ME AND THE KIDS!!! But I don't... I say, "No, I see how it might look like that to you and see that you're upset about it but it really isn't like that. I'm just tired. I hope you sleep well.
Great! That was a perfect "validating" response.
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How do I do me when I have to know she's going to be there for the kids? I'd like to just go do something when I get off work but I don't know if she'll be home in time for the babysitter to leave. Maybe I'll have to have a discussion about a pseudo visitation/custody schedule even though we live in the same house still.
Yes. Sit down with her, tell her you would like a day or two a week just to do whatever you want after work and offer her the same. Set designated days, like you watch the kids Monday and Wednesday so she is free to do what she wants and she watches them Tuesday and Thursday. Something like that.
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I don't see this working. She's always said I don't pay attention to her.
How am I supposed to do one of "the rules" when it replicates one of the things she's said she hates about me?
This is a common question. Here's the thing, right now you can't do anything "right" in her eyes. You come home from work on time every day then you are controlling and smothering her. You come home late from work then you are abandoning your responsibilities. You try to talk to her then you're not giving her enough time and space. You don't talk to her then you are being cold and indifferent. Right? YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. So you DB. You DB until she gets over all her anger and resentment and hatred. You remain the rock and the lighthouse throughout. Some day she'll get over it and THEN you might have a shot at recon, but until then you're going to get anger and hatred and she will speak in absolutes- "we're NEVER getting back together", there's NO chance this will ever work", etc.
