I continue to wallow, although being aware helps defuse it slightly. All day yesterday I felt like breaking out sobbing, which I haven't done in probably 6 weeks (after crying every day for maybe 3 months). I never did break out, not sure why, because it would have felt good.
I'm also feeling quite a bit of anger and frustration. Directed towards both my W and myself.
I feel like I've tried to walk this tightrope through the "abuse talk" to get to a place where I see my kids on a reasonable schedule - although the long gaps are really painful. Maybe I sold myself short on custody. I don't know. I narrowly avoided a court battle. Maybe just having 1 night during those 10 day gaps would help me. I know it would not be an easy negotiation with W. But I need to raise it.
Financially this is an awful situation but that wouldn't change much if we proceed with D. I have taken all pressure off my W from going to MC until she is ready.
I feel like I'm standing in place. I have my own place which is fine. But it feels temporary. It doesn't feel like a home.
Sometimes I wonder if my W actually did have a EA/PA at some point. Not sure why I think this, there's no evidence to suggest it. Maybe it's me trying to square the way she has talked about me and treated me, that maybe there is some hidden reason there I never caught onto. She has very strong morals and values - sometimes I think looking at me as a highly abusive person could be her way of justifying being wayward in some way.
Not having my own family to support me is really tough. I have a sister who I typically talk to 2-3 times a year, we live on opposite sides of the country. Our relationship is strained due to the estrangement with my parents, although my sister and I also were not ever super close. I haven't told her about the S, nor do I think it's a particularly good idea right now (my family had major problems with my W, I do not see them giving me solid, healthy support in this scenario). She has tried to get my parents and I to start talking again before. It would be more stressful than helpful. It would be nice to have family support, but it's not in the cards for me.
We are now 2+ months into the physical separation. Originally we talked about this running 6 months, but it morphed into a "who knows how long?" deal. I see no significant changes in our MR, and I feel more comfortable moving on than before. What holds me back right now is the kids - I feel them slipping away, and it really hurts. I feel so heartbroken for them. I know this is what everyone feels in D, even in 50/50 arrangements.
I wonder why I am standing for this MR. I wonder if the abuse talk is something that would completely cloud any future R. Is this situation completely unhealthy and toxic for me? I wrestle with this non-stop.
The two friends I have leaned on heavily for support throughout this process have been amazing at just listening and validating, not inserting their opinion. Lately I sense them both shifting. It's almost like they can't take it anymore and they just want to shake me and tell me I'm in a bad marriage and I need to move on.
There's not much keeping me holding onto the MR at this point. I know D would be a long logistical process (14-18 months in my state) and involve a lot of emotional turmoil. I have such NSO (negative sentiment override) when thinking about my W right now - the abuse allegations, her mind-reading, her controlling nature - and I wonder if I could ever overcome that in any scenario.
How do you know when to not just drop the rope, but cut it?
