Differentiation, Validation, and Fascination.

[NotATLDave]

Yes, but what about when it is no longer about validation or neediness? That is what I am musing about.

It's then about holding on to yourself while assert what you want out of the relationship. And by assert, I mean that you state what you specifically want in terms of ML, frequency, style etc. Let her her know she has a choice to do it or not and that you will not get pissy if she doesn't but that you will continue to evaluate the relationship according to these (excuse this word..I couldn't think of a better one) "requirements". It will really help to read PM because Shnarch makes it much more clear than any of us can. It's tricky. At one point in the book he says that your partner might think you are trying to destroy the relationship and if you hear things like that, then you are effectively differentiating. It's a scary idea because it almost sounds like you should play "chicken" with the marriage but if a lot of other support mechanisms are in place in your relationship, it won't feel so dangerous. I'm now under the impression that through this process, the "truth" about the future of your relationship will expose itself and you will find comfort in any decision that you make at that point.

-Dave (whose brain in spinning)