Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2

[DaB35]

Journal

She is back from holiday tonight.

Not sure what to do if she chases me on the estate agents. She's convinced the sale of our house will be done in a matter of weeks but both agents told me it'll realistically be Xmas by the time something major happens.

I had a few nostalgia moments throughout the day. I had a bit of a sad walk round town during my lunch break at work today, although I was doing my 'confidence' thing where I make myself stand tall and keep my head up and that certainly works. I went to a book shop (the air-con in it was very welcome) and found a book by Esther Perel about surviving infidelity. I read a brief section about spouses writing 'goodbye' letters to each other in their final therapy sessions when D was finalised. I started crying in the book store reading some of them. Made me think of all the little quirks of my W that I adore so much. I wanted to buy the book and send it to my W. I composed myself and walked out into the sunshine, then went back to work for the afternoon.

I got a haircut today to feel better still. I did some exercise at home and tomorrow willl FINALLY go to the gym near my work to sign up to start in September. Thinking taking classes in cycling, yoga, weights, and then also using the swimming pool and sauna. Probably 3-4 times a week.

One thing my W loves is Jellycat toys. We have a big collection of them, about 30. She says I have a gift for animating them - I move their bodies and arms around as if they're real and she loved it. They told little stories and she used to have silly conversations with these stuffed toys - it was so cute to watch her have a bit of silly fun. A particular fave of hers is a lion about 8" tall - she calls him "Mr Lion" - we created a very lazy, selfish, mischievous but lovable personality for him, and she says she is a 'kindred spirit' to him somewhat. We had lots of laughs together. It's these silly moments that I miss. Quoting Family Guy every so often in conversation. Dancing briefly in the kitchen to jazz on the radio while we wait for the dinner to cook. Cuddling on the sofa watching Stranger Things. Listening to Madness in the car on long journeys and hearing my W's regular lament that she can't play the piano. Lots of nice memories.

I suddenly felt angry towards W - rushing into a S and D, blabbing my porn addiction to her entire family and most of her close friends (though her parents don't know all the sordid details). She even told me "I shouldn't have told everyone. I don't know why I did that." I was so annoyed! Then her blanking me suddenly last month. I think of her bad-mouthing me to all and sundry. I haven't checked her Facebook profile for 2 months. I've hidden her from the site to avoid temptation and snooping.

Then I felt calmer - Reminding myself that I'm sorting myself out, becoming confident and GALing. I felt better this evening.

She hasn't texted me this evening tosay she's back. I won't contact her to check if she got back safely. I'll wait for her to text first.