It was an inexcusable way to go about it but I understand that she was done with me and done with the MR at BD and likely for a long time prior. I need to consider that she was emotionally D at BD, and that her reality was that we were D (paper MR only) and she was free to do what/who she wanted. My reality was that I’ve still considered us married this whole time. I need to come to grips with that and if I was in a new relationship with her or someone else, then I wouldn’t expect that person to disclose everything about their past, lovers, escapades, etc.
Curtis, this is exactly right. Now I am not defending her or saying it's "right" that she thinks those things, I absolutely do not. It is extremely dishonorable and for people who hold honor in high regard it is repulsive to see someone behave this way. Nevertheless this is exactly how WW's think. They think the M is over at BD and that they are single and free to do what they want. If you think about her behavior since BD, you'll see it is consistent with this idea.
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I’m conflicted between confronting her and moving forward with D, giving her the choice to commit or initiate D, or continue NC.
I will say what I will always say at times like this- if you're not sure then wait a few weeks or even months. Don't do anything until you are sure it's what you want. Regarding confronting, do it if you must but please understand it's unlikely to change anything because as mentioned above, she thinks she's single anyway. If you're going to confront then just tell her you know and leave it at that. No R talk, no waiting for her to explain, no explaining to her how you know or anything of the sort.
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I have to say that NC is the least appealing to me right now. I much prefer a decision and movement in either direction.
That's because you want to gain control back. You feel you've lost control and that you need to do something drastic to take control back again. That's not true though, NC is a way of taking control of your life again. It's saying "I am going to do what I want to do and leave you to your mess and not let it affect me anymore." You should never, ever consider filing for D without a long period of NC (or minimal C).
