Persistent Endurance (Part 6)

[curtis7]

C,

you've never stopped snooping. You've never given her or yourself space. Don't confront her. Instead, let her go. You've had the death grip around her since day one. Let her go.

In her mind you aren't in a "MR". In the practical sense she is right. On paper you are right. Why not get rid of the horse and keep her out of your house and out of your life for the time being?

This confrontation is going to lead to further lack of respect.

This last post is pure emotion. I know you're hurting. I've been there. Sorry Curtis.

Ovr, you’re right, the post was made late last night after discovering she was with OM3 again. It was my emotional, impulsive response to being over this and no longer tolerating the disrespect of my MR. Living in limbo while she’s out gallivanting is tearing me apart. I know it’s because I’m snooping. If I stopped, then I wouldn’t feel this type of pain. My mind dwells so often on how I just want this all to be over.

Just yesterday I was contemplating why I was so disappointed when she inadvertently sent me the text about OM3. I came to a similar conclusion as you stated that she believes we are not in a MR. I was hurt when I received the text because I thought we were rebuilding trust and I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt that the other R’s had ended when she agreed to attend Retrouvaille weekend. I now realize that I had an expectation and that her and I have two different realities.

It was an inexcusable way to go about it but I understand that she was done with me and done with the MR at BD and likely for a long time prior. I need to consider that she was emotionally D at BD, and that her reality was that we were D (paper MR only) and she was free to do what/who she wanted. My reality was that I’ve still considered us married this whole time. I need to come to grips with that and if I was in a new relationship with her or someone else, then I wouldn’t expect that person to disclose everything about their past, lovers, escapades, etc. Sure, those may come up at some point, but full disclosure up front would not be a requirement to start a new relationship.

What I really wanted to rebuild trust was confidence that the other R’s were over and a feeling of safety and security that they would never happen again. Not rehashing details about the past. I wanted it to be a time to move forward. I wanted to have more intimacy with her than we had before, so there wouldn’t need to be secrets and we could share our feelings, concerns, and expectations. I wanted us to be able to be vulnerable around each other and feel safe that we are not judging but rather supportive and understanding. My wants are a long way off and may never come to fruition.

I’m conflicted between confronting her and moving forward with D, giving her the choice to commit or initiate D, or continue NC. I have to say that NC is the least appealing to me right now. I much prefer a decision and movement in either direction.