Persistent Endurance (Part 6)

[curtis7]

Curtis. Isn't it amazing how they refuse to take accountability or responsibility for the consequences and outcomes due to their decisions and actions? She has had to distance herself from family and friends of moral standards that are judging her and slut shaming her for her actions. She even says herself, despite her clearly knowing that you know that there are 3 other men, she attempts to falsely and arrogantly justify her actions, and falsely socially lift herself up on a social pedestal thus contradicting herself by saying "There are not other men, don't make me out to be a f'in whore."   OM3 is giving her parenting advice, is treating her poorly, and she is even rebelling to some degree against him. (Most likely for him giving her unsolicited advise on parenting, which feels like another form of control to her.) But is still considering him an option, even though she contradicts herself that it won't work because he is two hours away. Based off her divorced BFF H and BFF's experience and validation of seeing herself, her feelings, and circumstances in her BFF, she is comparing him to you as being controlling because you set clear, good and healthy boundaries as well as responsibility since she fired you as her H as far as the Horse and the property is concerned.

IHC, exactly, you hit the nail on the head. Could not have said any of this better myself. Justification of her WW behavior, gaslighting/lies to me, trying to maintain good standing in social opinion, upset with OM3 for giving parenting advice when he has never met our kids, and still blaming me for most everything that isn’t going the way she likes in life. It’s appalling and pure selfishness.

Her opinion of your changes is again re-writing of marital history, and after so many years of "her knowing you, your behaviors, and habits" she is convinced that your attempts to change, or lack of change is only to manipulate them back into a relationship or M. They are convinced because of their experiences over long periods of time and past events. Right, wrong, good, bad, or indifferent. The irony of this is that they themselves do not realize that they have changed too. They took their vows based on their feelings on their wedding day, and not on actual principles or values.

They can’t consider the possibility that the LBS finally woke up when thrown into crisis at BD. Finally started listening and becoming self-aware of our own shortcomings prompting a lasting desire to permanently change for ourselves and for the best interest of our partner. It seems the WW mindset also believes that feelings in this moment are and forever will be. They refuse to consider the possibility that positive feelings could return for the LBS. Even though they existed previously, it violates their conclusion to consider that those feelings could return if they choose to love.

They have bought the narrative from validation from outside sources and influences, such as family members, books, divorced BFF, IC, D attorney, etc. They seek people similar to how they ae currently feeling. Validation I've noticed, although I am poor at it, I've realized something about it. It coincides with confidence. Confidence of the WAW to leave the M based on their own self worth, and their worth of the opinion of their social peers, (which is underlyingly and probably more important to them then then the opinion of themselves.) They have this confidence to leave because they are unhappy, and don't want to feel or be controlled, submissive, or be obedient to their husband, hence the term "Wayward" They have no respect for you because of your behaviors, but also if you look carefully to their actions and not their words, they have no respect or worth for themselves. (The same goes for us too.) I can confidently state this as a solid opinion because everyone seems to be looking for their happiness and purpose outside of themselves, rather than within. Yes we all want freedom, experiences, novelty, purpose, and goal achievements. But unless we do the work and they as well on ourselves we will all keep repeating the same patterns in our future relationships.

They seek reassurance from sources that boost their confidence that they are making the right decisions, without really examining the sources, their morals, principles, or values. Validation without the solid principles or morals can lead someone astray in the long term. Validation is a two way street I've noticed that needs to be handled delicately. You want to in a sense acknowledge their feelings without coming across as disingenuous, but not actually cement their feelings as fact, with you assuming the accountability and responsibility of their feelings for why they think you did XY and Z wrong from past experiences. By all means take accountability to correct those things as your 180's but do not let your WW make you take the entire blame for the M failure. (Most likely they're going to take as little accountability as possible and hold you responsible for the failure because it's all about them right now, playing victim status to the M while at the same time justifying their irresponsible behavior.)

They're going to repeat these mistakes over and over again looking for confidence in another person in a relationship, slowly undermine the other person's confidence in the R, and the other person, and then start taking them apart once the honeymoon phase ends, never being satisfied and then they are going to go to the next person, and the next person and so on.

Yes, the enablers and sympathizers feed their arrogance and reinforce that they are making the right decisions to find happiness for themselves. My W had excellent morals, much better than mine up until the last year. I suppose they just weren’t strong enough and once they didn’t align with her actions and submission to temptation and lust, they were rapidly discarded. I do feel sorry for her in this regard. I anticipate she will have deep shame and regret in the future over this period of her life when she finally matures emotionally and is able to cope with the reality of her life.

The next time you have a discussion with WW about anything other than logistics or kids, D procedure, or just anything casual in passing, Especially if its about OM1, OM2 or OM3 SHUT IT DOWN, HANGUP OR WALK AWAY. You are not her therapist, and it is well past the point of no return have you listening to her other than for a business transaction, because that's all she used to treating you as is a business transaction between the division of all your stuff, the divorce papers, and the kids. I think you're doing a hell of a job though putting things into action as far as making changes, a lot better than I am. You are doing a good job. Just make sure to keep your self-respect intact.

I’m with you on this. I’ve heard enough lies. Going dark as possible with kids is my goal. We’ll see how long I can keep it up.