My Story

[hoosjim]

Depending on the state or country, infidelity has no bases in what happens in court. Judges don't care about the inner workings of the M. They will only care about the assets and kids. With that being said, states like TX divides all assets 50/50 mostly. No hassle for the judges. So don't let continue trying to collect evidence about her infidelity to use against her in legal battles.

Not strictly true. It varies widely by jurisdiction. He should really find out what the law is in his state and become aware of his rights. In Virginia, where I am, for instance, adultery, if proven, is usually an absolute bar to the adulterer/adulteress receiving spousal support from the aggrieved spouse. Adultery is also grounds in Virginia for an immediate divorce degree without the usually requisite trial separation period. Finally, if you know about adultery and can be said to have "condoned" it, you give up the right to claim adultery as grounds for divorce and/or withholding spousal support (alimony) In Virginia, condonation occurs when the parties voluntarily resume sexual relations and continue living together after the innocent spouse learns of the adultery.

So... he needs to be aware of his specific legal rights and, depending on the circumstances and what he's hoping to achieve, it can be worthwhile to gather (or have gathered, by a private investigator who knows how to stay within the law on such matters) evidence of adultery. That's not to say I would condone "snooping." Snooping (or, more kindly, "intelligence gathering") is a controversial subject on here, and opinions vary widely. It can be useful situationally... but it can also be harmful to you and hurt your own development. You shouldn't go looking for information that you know if you found it you couldn't handle... Also, if reconciliation is something you think is possible and desirable, knowing all the exact grim details of your W's affair might be something you would never be able to get over... some things you just cant "un-see" or "un-hear". I myself did "gather intelliegence" from time to time, but did not always do so in a way that was beneficial to my objectives and my own development/growth (which, in DB-ing, is your paramount concern until you get to piecing). I will say this in sum: I don't think it is a black or white issue-- "NEVER snoop" vs. "YOU HAVE TO KNOW"... it really depends on your own situation, what your goals are, and what you can handle.

Outside of the legal ramifications, strictly in terms of saving the marriage (And/or your self-esteem and sanity) I am a staunch supporter of confronting the offending spouse ASAP (As, I believe, is Sandi2, whose position, at the risk of doing it violence is, I believe, that if more LBS's dropped a bomb of their own on the Wayward spouse IMMEDIATELY upon discovering the A, the road to piecing, where piecing is possible, would be significantly shortened.) I would urge you read in depth, if you have not, Sandi2's threads on WWs. You can also, if you wish, check out my threads... My marriage successfully recovered from a WW and an affair, though I had many failures and missteps along the way. My sitch was somewhat unique in several ways, but i think there are nuggets in my own experiences that will be useful to most LBH's dealing with a WW in an affair.