13 Let's hope it isn't starting again

[hoosjim]

Hey, Steve. Sorry you're having to go through this again, man. I've been thinking about your sitch a lot these past couple of days, particularly given how our cases have, almost to an unthinkable degree, tracked so closely, and given how I myself just went through a WW relapse scare in the past two weeks after I'd been away from the boards for a while... kinda like you. Idk... maybe we're both supposed to be back here right now to give each other help and support. Im not a big believer in coincidence.

I do think a good 180 for me is to observe this thing from afar. I think the reason gathering more Intel is important is because I'm pretty sure that if she had another EA, I'm done. Been through it twice now, 3rd time will be the final strike. Maybe my feelings will change if this is a real flare up, but in the past I've not been patient enough to observe and see how far it would go. Granted this guy lives hours away in another country, and it's likely that it's just her getting her craving for being wanted from afar, but I'm going to work observe and then make a decision based on what I ultimately find. But likely this would be the last straw.

You mentioned prayer a couple of times recently, and I would certainly urge you to VERY prayerfully consider how you approach this. I don't know what answer(s) you will get from the man upstairs (maybe we here on this board are the answers you'll get-- remember the joke about the guy on his roof in the flood praying for help!), but my take on this, from learning from all of the experienced minds on this board, and from my own experience with my WW, is that you should act on this now and not wait. The reason I say that is that it seems from looking at your threads (and here I have to admit that i have not done a deep dive on them) that you two, as with me and my own W, are in a better, even a much better place now than you were a year or so ago when you started piecing. Things change-- your MR is much closer to being "repaired" than it was a year ago, and you and your W, presumably, have a closer and more open relationship (again, this is just my take from a precursory reading of your recent threads). While I, like you, am in a situation (which my W is very aware of) where there will be zero tolerance for another affair (one strike and you're out), I am no longer, due to the evolution of my MR, in a sitch where any infraction or slip up is going to end my MR. Last summer? Different story. If, last June, just a few weeks after we started piecing for real, my W had pulled something like she did two weeks ago, secretly accompanying her VERY wayward bff to the bar she used to frequent with OM, we would have been DONE on the spot... no discussion. Now, however, we are in a different place... trust has been rebuilt, intimacy has been re-established... we are open and talk about things.. there is some strength and foundation to the relationship... and neither of us wants to lose that relationship. But here's the thing... people aren't perfect-- we are all broken in one way or another and we all fall short of what God wants for us. Part of the beauty and blessing of a MR is that you have a partner to help keep you on the straight and narrow. Now here, your W unquestionably made a mistake... a very serious one, as did my W two weeks ago.

As with my W, it is open to differing interpretations as to just how serious, but, even under the most charitable interpretation it is still serious enough to threaten the MR, especially given her history and y'all's history together. You now have to make a choice as to what you can live with in your MR given what has happened and the possible interpretations. But I would urge you to ask yourself this question: What is the worst-case scenario here? It seems to me that the worst case would be that she has slipped back into full waywardness and is engaging or actively preparing to engage in an EMA. If that is the case, then you, as you have said, are done. In such a case, you'd have nothing to lose by confronting her, as the worst case there is, also, MR over. But what if she just screwed up, made a bad decision, as my W did? You say she has been a gamer? I have some experience with gaming, both myself and through my sons, and i can tell you the video game addiction is a real thing. Add in the "spice" of past online EAs and it can become doubly so, I would imagine. Recovering from addiction is not easy, and requires help and support-- if she has too much time on her hands, or even was online and saw something about gaming or a game she had played, it would not be at all unusual for her to think "no harm in checking it out" and loading up a game, and from there she's in contact with predators like the dude who's email you saw. If that's the case, it's equally possible that she is still, at least for the moment, committed to the MR and to being with you (as was my W when she made her mistake), HOWEVER.... if she continues down that path unimpeded, all of that could change as she gets trapped by the "hormone rush" fix of the online interactions, starts losing respect for you, falls deeper "in love" with her online meet-ups, etc etc. If she is not currently in an affair, and not currently wayward, and is still indeed committed to reconciling with you and being in the MR, then I would posit that the worst case scenario to confronting her is some short term pain as she confronts what she did and cries it out and you two talk and reset and get to work repairing the damage. If your marriage is truly stronger and truly on the path to full reconciliation (And based on what you have posted it certainly appears likely that it is), then it should certainly be able to withstand a discussion about her mistake in this instance. The tell will be if she immediately comes clean about it. Another tell will be whether or not she objects to an invasion of her "privacy" (my W did not so object-- we have all each others passwords now and have agreed to fulltime "on" of our phone trackers-- and keep in mind that, for cheaters and WWs, "privacy" is code for "secrecy"... a secrecy in which deception and affairs can thrive.) Whether she does or does not come clean and/or object to your opening her emails, you'll have your answer. Perhaps the approach, when you make it, should be to give her the option to tell you, as artista's husband did in the way she described on my thread-- Call her or talk to her and say "Is our marriage over?" And when she objects or says "No, why?" Tell her, "I know you're hiding something from me, i'm going to give you one chance to come clean about it." Maybe the other WW experts can chime in here on this.

My inclination since the discovery of the email was to become very attentive. Even successfully initiated sex yesterday morning. But maybe I need to back off. I guess this time is different because she didn't ask for space, like she did during our such last year. I think distancing could do more damage.

I think your second instinct is the correct one... you back off. In either case (she's wayward or she just screwed up) it's the right move. If the former, and you still want to give her another chance and save the MR, she'll be in a state where she doesn't "want" you except as plan b in which case pursuing her is only going to push her away or make her resent you... if the latter, she needs to know she's made a bad mistake and that there are consequences. Pursuit and distance... it works in virtually all situations with virtually all relationships. Distance yourself, and not just a little but alot, to the point of cutting yourself off... as I did with my W when i discovered her mistake, and chances are she will approach you... perhaps even in desperation and in tears as my W did. That would give you the opening to discuss the matter, either by directly confronting her ("I know") or by giving her the chance to come clean ("I know something's up, I'ma give you one chance to come clean if y ou want to save this MR")

Either way, I am a STAUNCH advocate for stomping out affairs before they can get going... If she gets going down that path, it will become more and more attractive to her, she will start getting addicted to that thrill again,, and she will be lost to you. But she may not yet be lost...My W was not lost even though that was my initial thought/fear when i made my discovery. My feeling on this is that you should approach/confront her and find out. Either way, you'll have your answer and it seems to me it is a no-lose proposition to do so.

Hang in there buddy, my thoughts and prayers are with you, and I'll be trying to check in from time to time, more often than i have been.