I have 2 friends where we live (since we relocated just a couple years ago). One has been amazing, the other is a mutual friend that I have kept out of things. I have so much alone time now, I'm trying hard to occupy myself and do social things, work out, etc. But it does feel lonely.
Loneliness is a big part of S. Its something I keep fighting, though lately I've let myself be open to friendships more. I find it does help - another part of the reason I feel so tired all the time is that I have occupied every moment of the time I used to spend with W. You may want to consider joining more groups or finding more activities/hobbies that occur on a weekly basis.
Learning to be ok with being by yourself is difficult, but you can do it. I had forgotten that I lived alone for 8 years following high school. It's like a muscle - it will come back if you exercise it
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And the anger I feel lately towards my situation and my W is growing, not abating. I question how many more months I can make it, or whether there is any point when things feel so toxic right now.
It's ok to be angry. I would not show that to W, though.
I know you like to plan out your IC sessions, but maybe part of the anger you are feeling should be discussed with IC?
Eckhart Tolle goes into great lengths discussing what he calls "the pain-body". It is all the accumulated pain in your life balled up, so much so that it becomes like an entity in its own right. It needs more pain to sustain itself, so it goes looking for more pain.
It is very esoteric stuff, and some might think it's out there, but I has helped me enormously. I kind of think that parallels what you are dealing with here.
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What bothers me was how easy it seemed, which is also dangerous.
This seems to tell me you are leaning towards standing.
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I am not in shape for anything new either. 4-5 years I don't know.
It's an arbitrary figure. It helps me realize I have a long way to go. It helps me to put a number on it, something a little more concrete in times of fluidity and chaos.
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Yep, that was it. I realized my W was considering D about 6 months ago, but in reality I have unloved and unvalued for roughly 2 years now. It was an ego boost to have some female attention. Maybe too much of a boost.
I politely disagree. If you had acted on it, that would be another matter. Also - IMO - the last sentence here also points toward you standing.
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I wrestle with this decision every day.
We all do. It's a part of the LBS journey. It's also a decision that we make not once, but every single day. How long we do that is up to us.
