Maybe it's just the weird feeling of connecting with people. I had sort of shut myself off for awhile, playing the husband/father role and thinking it was pointless to connect because I would never have time or energy for other people.
I think you're right. I went through something similar back in February or March. I decided to let myself connect with people - but only to the point of "friends", and only people I knew for a long time in real life. In large gatherings or at events with many people, I allow myself to be friendly with women that I've known as mutual friends with W - but that is all, and no talk about my MR. The new friends I have made or old friends I've rekindled friendships with have strictly been male.
I made a decision that I would do this as long as I am standing, as long as we are IHS, as long as we are not D. It is a single solitary decision that I made on my own after much internal debate, and it is what i am doing at this moment.
I would recommend thinking about making a deal with yourself that you can live with, if you decide to stand. Sort of setting your own self a boundary.
Originally Posted by IronWill
There is a darker side to this I didn't mention in the post. This woman was attractive, not a stunner, but attractive in ways that I like. It was blatantly obvious she wanted me to ask for her number. Had I been single or D'd it would have been a complete no-brainer.
The NGS alarm bells were clanging. Seeking a woman's approval. Believing another person will fill a hole in your life. Rose-colored classes. All of it.
I may end up D'd, but I absolutely can not, will not, repeat history. I'm going to have to get my mind straight.
I would not beat yourself up over a single interaction, U. You are aware enough to realize that it set off these alarm bells and it cause you enough concern to stop yourself and assess the situation.
It's never easy doing the hard work, checking yourself, when it seems like it would be so simple to go towards something new.
Again, I would think about what you want. And how long you are willing to wait.
My R was 21 yrs long. I am in no way shape.or form ready for something new - it would be a rebound and i would absolutely bring in the same issues. I do not want to go through this all over again. My plan (if you want to call it that) is tentatively to let myself breathe and be me for the next 4 or 5 yrs. That may change later, I dont know. But right now, it feels about right.
Originally Posted by Unchien
I feel the most detached I have ever felt from my W. Yesterday when I video chatted with my kids she got on the call and, details not important, upset S7 unnecessarily and was telling him "Mom and Dad are on the same page." I was sitting there thinking, "This is completely unnecessary, I really dislike how she handles these things, we could talk on the side, now S7 is hiding out in his room, I am absolutely not on the same page." She was all stirred up and then saying she had a lot to do to get ready for the week... and I was thinking, she makes it harder than it needs to be. She is high strung and controlling. I saw W on Friday and felt zero attraction to her. I just don't want to be around her. I don't want to interact with her. I don't want to talk about custody or financial issues or house repairs or anything. I'm tired of the negativity of every interaction.
And then this grocery store woman comes my way...
It raises SO MANY questions:
- How far detached am I? - Am I still hoping for a woman to make me feel complete? - Do I realize that I have value to other people? - Am I doing right by my kids? - Can I look past the negativity of the current situation today, and see a path where things improve in my MR?
I have some serious soul-searching to do.
A couple of things I noticed in your post here. Call it a 1x3
1. Beware of falling into the trap of "the grass is greener on the other side." 2. Remember that your W is going through something, too, just like you are. 3. Everyone has bad days. 4. Empathy is the mot du jour.
I know you don't want to deal with all these bad things, U. Neither do I. I really don't. But unfortunately we have to.
I'm going to give you a quote here that I absolutely love. I heard it many times in the military and it has helped me a lot.in the past year:
Sometimes when life gives us lemons, we have to eat our [censored] lemons
I know it sounds brutal, U - it's a shitty deal you have here, even more.so because you have kids. But that's all part of this LBS journey we are on. Think about it, even if the woman gave you her number - how would you imagine that realistically playing out? Would it simplify your life right now? Would everything be alright with the world afterwards? What problems would that eliminate?
Its human nature to want to alleviate pain, but then what would we learn? Would we keep making the same mistakes if there were no pain?
Anyway I'm rambling again - sorry lol
Reeling it back in here...
I would look at it as a great ego-booster - nothing more. The universe let you have a break for a few moments - and you realized that you were worth something. You saw that you did have value. And you were able to recognize that.
If you decide you are standing, take the win - and keep on your journey
