Is the rest of my life ruined???

[Ske0187]

Good morning. I need advice.

I'm trying to detach, do 180s and validate her feelings during conversations etc. all while feeling like she's on another planet in her mind.

Yesterday, she wanted to "talk to me". Without getting into details of every subject. I'll just say up front that I did not argue or disagree with anything. I met her eyes and listened to everything she said. I tried to validate. (I'm practicing that but I thought I did well.)

I mostly practiced doing nothing so I couldn't screw up. I listened to her whole thing and then I would paraphrase what she said. I really wanted to listen close for a few reasons;

1. I need to do that. It's one of the things she said I never did. 180.
2. I need to evaluate where her head was in relation to our potential R. No expectations.
3. If she was going to accept responsibility for her A or continue to blame me.

She started by saying she didn't want to talk about this all day. I said, "Ok, 30 minute limit."

Some of the conversation was very productive. Kids, finances, house responsibilities.

However, the conversation turned quickly to being all about her. I actually expected this.

I have a questions on what I should do about one part specifically.

She said she was going to counseling to work on her and in the future would want to go with me.

I told her that I thought it was a good that she was doing that for herself but I needed to think about going to MC together because I needed to continue to work on myself and I'll get back to her in a couple days. (I'm going out of town today)

However, right now, my main objection to MC with her is that during the " talk" she said that she had already apologized for her A, she felt bad about it, she didn't want to talk about it anymore and didn't want to be in a relationship where we had to check each other's cell phones all the time. Each other's??? What did I do???

Also, because I spent too much time on my phone, she said she's had suspicions of me having an A long before we started having these problems. (Total guilt transference and rewriting history.) Granted, my cell time is part of our marital issues but I'm super transparent and faithful. One of my 180s is GAL because I don't have one. Having time for an A for me is a joke. I'd get caught in a second.

She also said that she knows I don't like being alone so it would be OK if I dated someone, just don't bring the kids around them. This seems to me to be whitewashing her own guilt and maybe acknowledging or knowing somewhere inside that our main crisis is her affair. She wouldn't ever admit that out loud. Right now anyway. She always defaults to my issues causing our problem and truly acts like the A isn't the problem.

Red flags all...

Going to MC when she is till seeing her AP is a no go. I don't see the point.

Question:

Do I come back to her with; "I'm not going to MC as long as the A is still going on." Then give her the requirements (again) of; end the A, NC (Even though he works there), STD test, transparency on phone/location/money etc. or just say "Not right now on the MC, I'm working on myself."?

Any and all comments on this would be greatly appreciated.