Why are you putting yourself in this position and playing happy families so that he has opportunity to abuse you? Now you've seen how he is prepared to behave, I hope you'll think twice about doing it again.
Get him out of the marital bedroom. You are allowing his cake eating by 'allowing him to hug you in bed' which he wants to do because his OW is away.
If that forces him to leave and be in the arms of the OW, then so be it. He's already in the arms of the OW anyway, he just has the comforts of his home and family whilst he's doing it.
You cannot repair this marriage whilst there is an OW. He will be thriving on the drama of 2 women fighting over him. Get out of the drama, do not perform in his circus. You can only repair and look after yourself at the moment.
That means no R talks. At all. You are not at a stage where you can analyse who did what in the marriage until he has dumped OW and shown very very clearly that he wants to work on the M. At the moment he is showing very clearly that he doesn't, but occasionally throwing you a crumb to keep you attached.
And I'm sorry, but you need to stop all this 'I'm to blame for creating an atmosphere where he had an affair' No you did not. You did not create a liar and a cheat. He always had the option to act in a decent manner if he didn't want to be in the M anymore. That one is all on him.
Conversation wise, respond pleasantly and that is it. Treat him like a room mate. Give yourself a holiday from being his wife. Take a step back.
I have been where you are. Lots of us here have. I promise you that if you get out of the drama and take a step back, you will see things much more clearly. He is totally disrespecting you. It is now up to you to remind yourself that you have self respect irrespective of what he is doing. You have to respect yourself enough to know that you shouldn't be treated like this, even if you want to save the marriage. Somebody on here posted that 'you don't know you've been living under a cloud until you step into the sunshine' Free yourself from the drama and darkness and step into the sunshine.
