Last night my older 2 kids had a school dance show. My W and I sat together to watch the show. Nothing remarkable in the interactions.
I had this weird feeling of being completely unattracted to her, like I was not feeling any sort of pull. I know there is still some rope there I am hanging onto, but it felt noticeably slacker.
Enough about her...
Something incredibly weird happened to me recently, I am struggling to comprehend it. First I have to provide some backstory.
I find I am getting really philosophical lately. Where I used to spend a lot of time ruminating and problem-solving, now I spend that time and energy thinking about deeper things.
Meditation, mindfulness, and emotional awareness have started to really click for me. I feel cultish about it. I feel like I need to snap out of it honestly, it feels weird. Too many things are falling into place all at once. I am not a traditionally religious person, but I am also not an atheist, and things like this are what convinces me there is some higher power or spirituality involved. My rational logic brain tells me I am crazy.
I'm a little freaked out by all of it to be honest. It feels like a lot of seismic internal change all at once. And it all feels good. It doesn't seem right, I doubt my feelings.
I work at a company that provides a really nice meditation phone app for free. I've come to really enjoy some of the individual guiders, they balance humor and perspective in this way that works great for me. It's not all serious and "OM" and things like that. Without this app, I don't think I ever get into meditation...
I also happen to work at a beautiful office campus with an outdoor pond where I can go every day and just pop in my headphones, relax, and meditate for a few minutes. It's made it so EASY to get into.
Four months ago, my situation drives me to DB forums. I see men in the same position as me, men who would normally not feel drawn to mindfulness and meditation, and it's working for them. I've tried it before, several times in my life, with no luck, but what the heck, right?
I joined a men's support group a few weeks ago (still in trial). Some of the stories I hear are absolutely soul-crushing, it normalizes my experience. But what I notice most is these men struggling with the emotional awareness aspect. I can visibly SEE it. Six months ago I would have heard these stories and thought, "That person is really in an awful spot and I have nothing to offer."
But now the weird thing that happened... a random interaction with a stranger last week. Since physical separation, I tend to talk up people in public - Uber drivers, at the grocery store, men or women, whatever. It's good practice to overcome my social anxiety, plus it's just really enjoyable to hear other people's stories. It *normalizes* my life. Life feels like a place of abundance. Sometimes one of these interactions makes my day, sometimes people look at you like a nut. It's fun.
Anyways... I'm at the grocery store, picking out bell peppers next to a woman. She glances over, she's picking out Brussel sprouts. I say, "I used to hate those, but they are incredible with bacon." She says, "I know! Me too! But I'm off bacon now because I'm on this clean diet" and we are off in conversation... and I come to find out a few minutes later she works in the meditation and mindfulness world. And not only that, but she works directly with the people on the phone app and knows them personally. Her JOB is to work with these people. And then she reveals she's divorced with 3 kids. I asked if her background helped her cope with the split, she says it's a constant struggle, one would think she's some sort of an expert, but "We can't all be Buddha."
Which is basically what I say to my closest friend every day...
It freaked me out. It still freaks me out. The engineer side of me says these random events are much more likely than people choose to believe. It's like that math problem of "how many people need to be in a room before the odds are >50% that 2 people share the same birthday" -- the answer is much smaller than you expect.
I don't know what the universe is trying to tell me. But there's something there.
