You need to change your mindset and start to think about what YOU would need from HER to consider reconciliation.
^^^^^^^ THIS
If you cannot identify the changes you would need to see, you are still fully attached to the rope. This mindset change is crucial to detachment.
Originally Posted by crdcheck
Thanks, unchien. Space has helped, too, I think - not having to analyze so many of these little things has freed me up.
So, I'm trying to be proactive and have a couple of questions:
1) If W asks why I'm not really engaging with her (not coming into her house, talking to her at work, etc.) what do I say? 2) And if she says that it feels like I want nothing to do with her (or something to the effect that it feels like I'm moving on) what do I say? I'm definitely open to reconciling but I don't want to pursue*.
*And I genuinely feel this way now. The "I'll do anything" part of me is gone (or at least dormant).
crd - I am in exactly this same quandary.
I'm going to answer indirectly.
You just cannot control how your W will react to anything. Moreover, she is more than likely going to interpret whatever you do in the exact opposite way from what you intend.
Early in my sitch I was frustrated how my W was just finding scraps of evidence and interpreting them in the wrong way over and over and over. I felt like she was a rocket trying to launch into outer space to escape the gravitational pull of Earth (bear with me here for a minute ). The fuel she needed was anger and righteousness.
WAS'es have their doubts. They are not 100% determined and evil. They *need* to attach themselves to a certain narrative in order to live with their decisions. They need to believe it's not 100% their decision. It's pure human ego.
Heck we all need story (or narrative, or whatever you want to call it) to organize our lives with some purpose. The LBS has a story too. Much of the DB work we do is to detach from our story which has been overpowering our lives in an unhealthy way.
Now... if you are still with me... if you can develop compassion for the WAS mindset (without agreeing with it), it will help with detachment.
Going back to your questions.... you already got great advice above.
). The fuel she needed was anger and righteousness.
