Is the rest of my life ruined???

[Ske0187]

Good Morning. Thanks AS and TH.

Adoption first. We are not adopting to help our situation or anything like that. We started that about 5-6 years ago and are finally about to finish our planned second and last adoption. I know you don't agree. Many may not. We've had our son since he was five days old. He's now almost 18 mos old. He's our son. He's not going anywhere. There's no violence in the home, no addiction, no arguing in front of the kids etc. He will end up in an amicable visitation at least and with both of us if there is an R. The is no way he's going into the foster system. He would be better off even if the relationship between us was strained forever. If you knew the foster system (you may) you'd probably agree in spite of what this looks like. I fully understand the possible legal and personal ramifications of this decision.

As far as the call goes...

I have the book. I'm not all the way through it. I've been reading here and I feel nothing but being a beginner. A bad one apparently. I thought I did halfway decent. Hmmmmm. I must be missing something. Back to the validation page. I started IC yesterday and told the therapist that I'm the person who controls my feelings. I fully beleive that and agree. Although I'm super angry, I'm not letting that come our in mannerisms that I know of. I've not said anything in anger or an angry tone. Just basically stoic. Maybe too direct. I'll read more and start again.

IC went well. She's not a marriage counselor but I think I need more general work on myself than that. So I'm good with what her plans are to help with the shortcomings my W identified that she needed from me before we got here.

Initially, before I decided not to expose, I told the W that I wanted to tell her sister so I could have someone to talk to about this. I didn't.

I got home yesterday and My W had come home early. She left right after to go talk to her sister.

After the W came home, (she was still pissed) I called her sis and asked if she was OK and if she had told her anything she didn't know already. She said that the W had told her that there was "someone else". We kept the conversation going and as we were talking, I let out some other details that I was sure had to have been mentioned. Basically saying that having an EA/PA was a decision etc. and I had no responsibility for her decision to do those things. Like "falling in love", having sex etc. Honestly. I figured if she was going to make her sister drive an hour and a half to talk, she would've told her that stuff. This brought on silence and I knew this was the first she had heard that. I asked if the W had informed her of that. She said no.

Well, her sister is a saint and is very understanding, nurturing, pro marriage and has been married for 25 years. (A good one). I don't think the screw up is too bad. I told her her sis had been taken over by an alien and not to judge her, just provide support.

I have let this play out, keep 180ing and work on my skills.