I do recognise that to outsiders reading this, it is shocking. I am ashamed of what I have done and to have hurt my W in this way.
Dan,
It is not all that shocking. Don't beat yourself up, that mindset can limit your personal growth.
You mention feeling ashamed. Once you dig into NMMNG you will understand why I say what comes next. There is a fundamental difference between feeling shame, regret, and remorse. Those 3 are different emotions.
Shame: "I am fundamentally bad." -> very hard to make personal progress in this mindset Regret: "I really wish I didn't do that." Remorse: "I really wish I didn't do that, because I recognize how much I hurt that other person and the pain they must feel."
The most difficult aspect of remorse is empathizing with the other person's version of reality when you don't agree with it.
Originally Posted by Dan35
I hate that I did it and never got help.
Fair enough, but you will need to get over the self-loathing stage. I think you are taking some good steps now.
One of the key steps in forgiveness is first forgiving yourself. I hope you reach that point eventually. It will take time and hard work.
Originally Posted by Dan35
But, I am getting help now and it's WORKING. I have had no desire to look at any such sites for 3 months now and that is really helping me stay positive. I'm just getting into a state now where it doesn't even enter my head as a "well I could look, one little peek won't hurt anyone." I simply don't think about it.
Instead I read, catch up on my hobby (I write music and play), I talk to my mates on facebook or text (don't worry, I've hidden my W's profile!), exercise, go for walks, watch TV, help my sister walk her dog, etc.
I sense you feel we are giving you a hard time.
You've made some great progress and I applaud you for it.
I also feel like you are trying to convince us that you have changed, and now it is just a matter of earning back your W's trust. There is a hint of defensiveness in your posts, and some of the responses you are getting are pointing this out (as well as some concern that you are minimizing the impact to your W).
I'm not saying this to be hard on you, I'm just calling it as I see it. Many of us post here because we feel a duty to help others in the same way we have been helped before, and I know I take this seriously. This is not a frivolous hobby for me. I also understand I don't know you, or the nuances of your situation, so you can take anything posted here for what it's worth in that regard.
You've made some great progress, and I urge you to keep digging deeper and understand there is more work to be done. And in the process of doing that work, you will simultaneously:
1. Become a happier, healthier man. 2. Increase your chances of earning back your W's trust.
Being more patient with the process is a really hard step, but a necessary one.
