Divorce because I betrayed her trust - I regret it

[DaB35]

Thank you sandi for a comprehensive response.

Ok I'll go through the points you raise.

Hi Dan, have these illnesses been identified/diagnosed by her doctor?

When you would approach her for sex, and she would tell you how tired she felt..........would you immediately leave her side and engage in the porn? Did you feel she was giving an excuse to not have sex?"

Yes. She initially had certain food allergies. Due to incompetent doctors they prescribed her useless medications. She eventually got a few proper tests done and that identified a few things. She adjusted her diet. She had had these problems from before we met. She seems better now, but still has a few reactions to certain foods.

Also she had a few skin conditions or other intermittent health things. I think it was because she constantly overworked herself. She'd often stay in her study working for hours and not eat or drink.

If she was tired, I wouldn't immediately leave and watch porn no. I tended to do it when (a) she was out or (b) was in her study working and I knew she wouldn't leave for half an hour or so. However, I did do it when she was in the house, even when we were on the sofas downstairs - e.g. I had my iPad and she was on the other sofa. I would message one of the women. Just for the buzz of doing it. Not because I missed those women or preferred to be speaking to them than my W. It was merely the act of sending them a message secretly that gave me a buzz. I never even saw their faces.

When you weren't instigating anything for weeks.........you were watching porn, right? You say it was b/c she wasn't give anything back "either". Please elaborate what you mean.

Do you know what she meant by "she was doing all the work"?

Yes, she was always feeling like she wanted to instigate. I was watching porn frequently - not every day, but often - and despite me knowing that we hadn't been intimate for weeks, she wasn't bringing it up. Additionally, she admitted that she stopped instigating because she wanted to see if I would do it myself.

How soon did you discover your W was prudish? And by that, are we talking about trying something new........or just traditional sex, period.

It was a few years into the relationship. She never mentioned this when we met. She is only interested in traditional sex. Without getting into too much unnecessary detail on this forum, let's just say nothing "adventurous". I am similar really - the porn I would look at was not 'extreme' or 'outrageous' in any way certainly.

You were "with" her for five years before tying the knot. Did you live together, or just having sex before M? Did she feel guilty about having sex before marriage?

She was not a virgin when we met. I was. I lost my virginity to her at age 27. Think she was 19/20 when she lost hers.
We were having sex before M. We got together end of 2010/start of 2011, and began living together as bf/gf from January 2012. We moved in 2013, then bought our first house in 2016.

Why do you have pictures of your ex's, and what was the point of sending pictures of your SIL and ex's to women in porn? Were you making fun of your SIL & ex's? Do you feel that sending the photos were inappropriate?

I was in a message chat with one of the women. They asked about my exes. I talked about them. She then asked if I had any pics of them. I remembered that I had some on a CD in my room. I had this CD from before I met my wife. I simply kept a few pics of my exes on there (clothed, innocent ones, but they still look nice in them). I think at the time of the breakup with each of those exes, I thought I might want to reminisce about them. In actual fact what happened was I put six photos on a CD and forgot about it.

That CD ended up in a box of my other writable CDs/DVDs with my work on them, and it just followed me round when I was in a relationship with my W. In all honesty I had completely forgotten about it. I do not hold torches for my exes at all. I have no 'left over love' for them. When the woman in the chat asked me about the pics, I thought "I wonder if I have that CD still?" I found it and sent them to the woman. It's a chat with a "non-downloadable" feature so she wasn't able to save/share them further; they could only be viewed by her. She commented on their bodies etc.

Same with my SIL. My therapist has said that the addiction means you want to keep seeking a more heightened 'buzz'; i.e. your used to simply looking at the sites, so you go further to contact women, then you chat with them, then share pics of people you know. It's the addiction escalating. Doing something more to get the next buzz.

I did say some derogatory things about my exes and SIL. Again this was to get a reaction from the woman in the chat; she enjoyed talking about my exes and said they were hot etc. I don't actually have feelings for my SIL (I've said before in my first post, I find her really irritating and never really liked her. I tolerate her), nor do I have feelings for my exes. I enjoyed reading the woman's comments on them. They didn't really comment on my SIL, just my exes. I wonder if my putting the pic of SIL up was to get my own back for her not being kind to my W a few times or being bossy etc. How immature. I look back at it now and am horrified at what I did.

My W saw ALL OF THIS.

I know that it was inappropriate. I just found myself in a situation where the addiction was escalating and blurring fantasy and reality. That was the buzz I was seeking at that time. However, I know that was WAY too far.

To be honest, there were times in the last year or so when I was feeling TIRED of the addiction. Thinking, "I should really stop this." But it had a hold of me and couldn't reach out for help, mainly due to pride. I thought I could deal with it alone, without professional help, or help from W or family or friends.

I don't know how beautiful and sexy your W may be. IMHO, the average woman feels there is no way she can compete or measure up to a porn actress. Just as the average husband feels he cannot be like the hero lover in his W's romance novels.

My W is gorgeous. I'm not just saying that as I'm married to her. Her hair isn't quite 100% red, nor is it strawberry blonde, it's a unique in-between colour that I've never seen before. Her face is lovely, very beautiful. Pale skin, not too short, lovely body, very sexy, lovely smile, and I loved her laugh. She has always thought she was unattractive. UI never understood why, as lots of guys would check her out - she never noticed!

This is the thing - I always felt unattractive too. I'm not very muscle-y for example. Even my W would jokingly say "You have the body of a 19 year old!" even when I was in my 30s. It'd upset me when a well-built guy would appear on TV and my W would say something like "ooh he's nice. I like a nice torso!" and I'd feel really awful and that I'd let her down. I KNOW - I should have just started going to the gym, but being stuck in the addiction phase meant I just accepted that I'm not that attractive etc. and just tried to be a nice guy instead for her.

I was always kind to my W. She even said this to me after she discovered all this "You are not a bad person" she has said several times. "You've been so kind to me." I would support her in her work/businesses and help round the house and do things for her to make her life easier. I wasn't lazy.

Here's the thing, Dan, it went from some sex fantasy to being personal when you made contact with one of those women who engage in porn. I think your W may have over-reacted by sharing too much with her family too quickly, then again, I might have done the same thing, IDK. She was obviously very hurt, and whether you saw it as cheating.......your W did, apparently.

Yes I understand this completely. The 2 women I contacted were simply random members of the public who did this "on the side". Yes I'm annoyed at my W for over-sharing everything with her family and some of her friends. To most she is simply saying I cheated and not going into detail.

I encourage you to continue IC and improving yourself. Give your W the time and space she wants. Even if it comes to D, you may get back together once she has time to deal with this issue. I hope you will respond and answer my questions.

I am giving her space. I am only contacting her if she contacts me.

Thank you for taking the time to analyse what I've said.