Divorce because I betrayed her trust - I regret it

[sandi2]

Our sex life was up and down really. At the beginning it was fantastic. In the last couple of years or so less frequent. My W has a few illnesses and also often feels tired, so sometimes I would be in the mood for intimacy but then she'd say "I feel really tired" so I backed off. But then I wouldn't instigate anything for weeks, because she wasn't giving anything back either. She felt like she was "doing all the work". I just think it was lack fo communication; she didn't tell me there was a problem, and my male brain thought, "Oh she hasn't brought up a problem, so there can't be an issue."

Hi Dan, have these illnesses been identified/diagnosed by her doctor?

When you would approach her for sex, and she would tell you how tired she felt..........would you immediately leave her side and engage in the porn? Did you feel she was giving an excuse to not have sex?

But then I wouldn't instigate anything for weeks, because she wasn't giving anything back either. She felt like she was "doing all the work".

When you weren't instigating anything for weeks.........you were watching porn, right? You say it was b/c she wasn't give anything back "either". Please elaborate what you mean.

Do you know what she meant by "she was doing all the work"?

She hates porn in any form, and says that me being on these sites and commenting in a vulgar manner on some of the models etc means that I hate women and don't value our marriage and prefer them to her. Weirdly although she has a bit of a potty mouth and jokes about sex all the time, she is quite a prude really. Possibly due to a staunch Christian upbringing and even now my W and her sister have talked about feeling 'guilty' about sex. The family aren't religious at all now. But it clearly has had effects on them.

How soon did you discover your W was prudish? And by that, are we talking about trying something new........or just traditional sex, period.

You were "with" her for five years before tying the knot. Did you live together, or just having sex before M? Did she feel guilty about having sex before marriage?

Whether or not the family was very religious at that time, female pre-teens and teenagers can be taught by well-meaning parents that "good girls" do not engage in sex before M. It doesn't bother some girls, but others are guilty ridden if they have sex before M. I believe another taboo in the past (at least for girls) was looking at nude magazines, and of course, watching porn.

Going back to the old days, my mother told me that boys didn't marry girls who had sex with them before marriage. They would not bring those girls to meet his family, etc., b/c he would want a "good girl" for wife material. So, my preparation before actually dating, was learning that girls were divided into two categories........good or bad. I was told by older girls that when the boy takes a girl on a date, he will test her to see if she was a good girl or a bad girl. So, most of my dating experience was spent watching the boy's hands.

I think some parents missed the mark in teaching moral or religious virtue. The parents wanted to keep their daughters sexually "pure" until marriage. Many parents taught that pregnancy outside of marriage was the ultimate shame a girl could bring her parents. I was told by some young girls that their parents implied that engaging in sex destroys the girl's value and is, therefore, judged accordingly by others (b/c people talk and her reputation is ruined).

Society seems to have a much less rigid view these days. However, I think there are still a few ill-equipped mothers out there (or maybe fathers, too) trying to have that "talk" with their daughter, hoping to instill high standards/principles regarding everything that has to do with sex. I don't think parents or society has hit the right chord yet. Anyway.........I apologize for rambling.

She discovered in May 2019 that I have been using p**n sites since the start of our relationship. I started using the sites before I met her, around 2008. This progressed from looking, to signing up to a few free sites, to communicating with other users, to uploading things myself, to commenting on other user's material, to messaging/emailing 2 women from one of those sites. I paid them about £60 GBP to receive some photos from them. It then escalated to me sending some pics of my exes (normal, clothed) to one of the women, and also I sent a photo of her sister to one of the women and she commented on her in a vulgar way.

Why do you have pictures of your ex's, and what was the point of sending pictures of your SIL and ex's to women in porn? Were you making fun of your SIL & ex's? Do you feel that sending the photos were inappropriate?

The addiction stems from lack of self-esteem, fear of failure, low stress tolerance, fear of intimacy etc.

Okay, it's good that you can understand why you turned to porn, but you also need to grasp (as best you can) the affect it has on a wife to discover her H has been using porn. Since men & women are wired differently, it's safe to say she's not going to be able to set it over in some separate category as if it was not a factor in the MR. It will do no good to tell her it had nothing to do with her. I'm sorry she asked for so many gory details, b/c that will be very hard to erase from her brain.

I don't know how beautiful and sexy your W may be. IMHO, the average woman feels there is no way she can compete or measure up to a porn actress. Just as the average husband feels he cannot be like the hero lover in his W's romance novels.

Here's the thing, Dan, it went from some sex fantasy to being personal when you made contact with one of those women who engage in porn. I think your W may have over-reacted by sharing too much with her family too quickly, then again, I might have done the same thing, IDK. She was obviously very hurt, and whether you saw it as cheating.......your W did, apparently.

I encourage you to continue IC and improving yourself. Give your W the time and space she wants. Even if it comes to D, you may get back together once she has time to deal with this issue. I hope you will respond and answer my questions.

Post often, and continue reading.