It is time to get a more formal financial protection and arrangement in place. You see how easily H justified his actions; what’s he going to do next? This will soothe him for a while, but his demons are not sated. He is driven to run.
I agree I need to do this My attorney never contacted me today, but I will reach out to her tomorrow or Thursday when the kids are back at school. Hard to get privacy these days for phone calls!
One of the questions I need to ask is how to protect myself financially when we are in a state with no legal separation. I am a bit nervous about this, as he could change his paycheck to another bank at any time (in spite of him saying he doesn't plan to do this). Believe nothing......I do have other funds and won't be kicked out of the house, but I would not want to use them if possible (although H could care less, since he took our a ton for his new pad). Anyway - strategy I need to discuss with my A.
Today was better. D20 blocked H from her phone and facebook. She said she is relieved she doesn't have to be the adult in their relationship anymore. Ouch. I listen and validate. S22 has had some e-mail exchangse with H. He read me a few. H said that he told him he would inform them of any change and planned to do so. (Lie). He said that our marriage was none of his concern, stuff like that. He is being ridiculous. I just listened. S22 is gullible, so we'll see if he gets over this fast based on lies. I continue to be the rock for the kids, and polite to H when I have to interact. I had to withdraw $1,200 from our bank account today for college expenses for the kids. I sent a bring message to H informing him I did so. (I didn't want him to think I was taking $ to hide). He said he didn't need his September $ for a while anyway. All business.
After I get the kids to school tomorrow, I get on plane to spend some time with my family. Came exactly at the right time.
Grace - so sorry. They really do make irrational decisions.
Personally, the first question to your lawyer should be: can I take my 1/2 of all assets and put them under my name only? If you can, do it and take back the money he withdrew for house w/OW. Let him fight for this in court. If it is legal for you to do it, don’t hesitate. This protects you and your kids and saves you the worry of wondering if he is going to to buy a joint boat or take trips with her.
Maybe there is some sort of bank freeze that can be put in place but top choice is take your 1/2. If he wants to blow through his 1/2 that’s on him.
I suspect at times he realizes the impact the D will have on his finances so he wants to cake eat. He keeps you hoping things will be better while he lives off joint assets. Mine wanted us to keep pooping joint money, for him to manage it all, pay 1/2 his medical bills and part of his life insurance policy. Uh, no thanks! He is still griping about how much he has to pay me every month!
Once it game time for the d settlement he wrote in that my support would end automatically if O moved in with someone! Hah! That’s not even legal. As my lawyer said, seems he did not understand how d works.
Get on the offensive financially. If it gets redistributed by a judge then fine. But at least you are protected. No judge is going to like him spending joint assets on a place with OW. That comes out of his share.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I agree w/HaWho 100%. You need to get 1/2 of those assets moved out of the joint account and placed in an account of your own...you might even want to consider a different bank or credit union. As for what he withdrew for the house w/the ow, that money should now be divided in half since it came from joint assets.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Kids are safely back at school. I was worried that less than 2 days would not be enough time to process all that’s occurred. But, they see to be anxious to get back to their routine, and were up-beat about being back. Had a long convo with each of them individually last night. S22 yelled and raged, and had lots of demanding questions. He called the OW a whore, and said he will never meet her. He wanted to know if I knew who she was. I was truthful, but refused to give the name. I said that was for his dad to do. It was a good convo, though.
D20 heard the yelling, and she broke down crying. I spent individual time with her. She cried for a while and I held her. We then had a really good convo. I shared a bit about my journey, and self-reflection over these months. I apologized to her about my controlling/fix-it nature while she was growing up. She accepted the apology. We talked about developing close personal relationships with friends and family by expressing authentic feelings. She said a few very deep observations about her dad. Quite profound, actually. We talked a bit about H’s inability to share his real self.
I shared with both of them that 2 random people recently told me that I seem joyful and happy. That it just shows on me. I told them that in fact I do feel that way. They both told me they could see the change in me over these months. It was wonderful to talk with both of them in a way I really never did before. We have turned the corner, I think, into a closer relationship. As an aside, S22 never give me “real” hugs. He barely touches me. He has mild Asperger’s. Well, after I dropped them off at college, and saying goodbye, he gave me a warm, full on hug for the first time I can remember. I almost cried.
It’s sad H may never experience moments like that.
I am looking for a new attorney. My other one was not responsive, and she is not local 100% of the time. I will interview 2 early next week or on the phone this week and retain one soon. First question will be the transfer of equal amount of the money he already took into my own investment account. After what happened last week, our financial advisor will surely tell him, but I’ll just defer to my attorney.
I don’t know when I will file, but I sense it will get ugly when I do. OW has her claws in good, and she will want to get her hands on all she can. She has no real job. And she is seeing $$$.
But, God has prepared me for battle. He has placed people in my life that offer me the type of support I need at any time – financial advisor, realtor, and psychologist. All very close friends.
God kept telling me to wait. For a long time. I don’t hear those instructions any longer. I know difficult times, and maybe even horrible times, are coming. But my armor is strong.
I feel at peace. The nagging anxiety seems to be at bay. All my friends tell me I sound calm. “Good”.
I don't think I would wait until next week. I would take 1/2 the joint accounts plus 1/2 the amount that he put into the house with the OW. Transfer it to an account only in your name then notify him. Tell him you are just keeping your share safe until you can speak to an attorney.
I ditto KML. Be on the offensive by protecting what you do have. It is your share. He bought a house with another woman using your money! Who knows what else is coming? A new car for her? Jewelry? It costs a lot of money in fees to go after your share once he takes it.
Be proactive.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Grace, I follow you but don't really chat much. I'm feeling for you these days.
But I'm so glad you're feeling strong and I just want you to know there's yet another person in the world that is thinking of you, and proud of you and how you are handling every step of this journey. I really admire your self reflection and your desire to really sit back and consider before taking decisive action.
I agree with job, kml, and HaWho. Be proactive and protect your assets.
There are many blessings to be discovered within this horrible mess; it is an incredible opportunity for growth. A much stronger bond with one’s children is one of them. I’ve had those sincere “real” hugs, and it does almost bring one to tears.
It is wonderful to hear that both S and D are started down good paths. It was really nice that they could see your changes over the months. You are a great role model.
Kind of weird to find peace within all this, isn’t it?
Keep closing the cupboard door gently and peacefully, just enough force to close it and not slam it. Funny, how that becomes a way of life.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Take time today and move your half of the assets today. You can notify him after you have done so. Be sure to keep a copy of the text/email message for your new lawyer.
If he attempts to engage w/you over the withdrawal, don't engage. Allow him to stew in his own juices.
Please do not wait. MLCers are known for doing unhanded stuff and he may be one of those that will wipe you out entirely and not tell you and you will find out when you write a check.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Funny, how that becomes a way of life.