We are working on a financial arrangement where we each have a separate account that will get some fixed amount of money per month. Now my W wants to talk about who pays for which family/friend's birthday gifts. Literally $10 gifts. This level of detail is just exhausting. It's more detailed than a D settlement (I think).
Silly stuff like this just tell her when it comes up you will discuss it then. My XW was the same way, wanted to split every little expense 50-50 and work it out ahead of time. I just told her it was too much for me to think about and we would discuss it on a case-by-case basis as it came up. But we rarely have because we both contributed pretty equally after the D. I think once she saw it was working out that way that she backed off of it.
I'm hopeful the same will happen with us. She has brought up little things before, and neither of us have the time or energy to go back and forth over it all, so those concerns drop off sometimes.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by unchien
She gets triggered when I don't agree with what she wants.
How do you mean, does she start yelling or getting aggressive or what? Next time just put a stop to it. Tell her you're not going to talk to her unless she can treat you with respect and if her mistreatment continues you will hang up. If she keeps doing it then tell her the convo is over and hang up.
I would say aggressive. Harsh tone of advice, lecturing, gets worked up, rants for awhile. Not really name-calling, just emotional thinking at its worst. I am much better with my NGS, but previously I would equate "strong emotions" with "truth". And also, it's easier to appease the emotional person rather than stand up for myself.
Many times just validating helps now. But she is getting worse with the stress of the situation.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by unchien
It's so frustrating... she's complaining about M'd life, S'd life and D'd life all at once. And in her mind it's all my fault. "You don't act like someone who wants to reconcile."
"I am sorry you feel this way but this is not the subject of this conversation, now let's get back on topic, we were going to discuss XYZ." I am absolutely NOT exaggerating when I say REPEAT THIS OVER AND OVER if you have to. That is as much validating as you should do in a conversation that is supposed to be about kids and finances.
I need to do stick to this, you are right. Thank you.
