W: I sacrificed everything to move here for you. My career, my family, my friends. I am screwed financially. Me: I can understand that is really hard for you. W: Really?! Do you REALLY understand?
You DID NOT say you understand what it is like (which would be the wrong thing to say), you said you understand that it's hard for her which is the RIGHT thing to say. U, you did fine, that was good validation. That doesn't mean she'll rush into your arms and praise you for being such an awesome man, sometimes despite our best efforts they are still Queen B***** of B****land.
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Me: It's not easy for me either. You aren't the only one sacrificing. Sometimes I feel like all I do is provide a bag of money and in return I go 10 day stretches without seeing the kids.
I know it was a mistake and I need to do what AS suggested. I am going to think about proposing we try to handle these matters over e-mail and keep the phone calls to discussions about the kids.
Honestly I think that was fine. It probably didn't have any impact on her but now and then it doesn't hurt to remind them that they don't corner the market on hurting. Don't beat yourself up U, I think you did better than you're giving yourself credit for.
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She was also paranoid about my work retirement money, as the financial advisor told us last week once the money gets swept into my 401(k) it is separate property. I said OK, but I get this big company match which is basically free money. I agreed to write a document stating I am okay with this 401(k) being considered part of community property. I really don't care. Split it all down the middle if we go that route.
Don't be so anxious to give her everything. You need to protect yourself because D is sounding pretty inevitable at this point. Don't put ANYTHING in writing to her until consulting a L.
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When we went to MC1 last year, she confirmed she was fully on board. So this shift is frustrating to me. It's as if she feels I emotionally coerced her to move.
Brother, welcome to "rewriting of history". You know what you should do about it? Ignore it. It's your NGS kicking in that tells you it should bother you and you need to convince someone (us, her, family, strangers) that she really was on board and you are not the mean guy she's making you out to be. I get it, I was there too. You know what I finally told myself? The world f'ing loves a bad boy anyway, so if she wants to run around telling everyone what a bad boy I am, GO FOR IT. Yeah I discipline my kids (spank them, scold them), so what? Yeah I was controlling sometimes in the M, said what I wanted and expected others to be OK with that, SO WHAT? Yeah I didn't always treat my wife like some entitled brat, SOOOO WHATTTT???? What does that all make me? An alpha male. And I don't care what anyone thinks about that, it is who I am and I wear it proudly. Quit being so sensitive U.
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So now the situation is that if we D, I have a nice-paying job and yes it would be fairly easy for me to adjust financially. I probably can't afford a home, but I will land on my feet. My W feels completely screwed financially. But it's not my fault, in my mind. We have been here now 2 full years and she has yet to start working. Also not my fault.
Well let's see, who is here trying to save their M and who is trying to burn it to the ground? I say if there's blame to go around, it falls squarely on the one holding the match. Again if she wants to wallow in self-despair then let her, but that doesn't mean you have to sit and listen to it ad nauseam. "I'm sorry you feel that way but we need to wrap up our conversation as I have a busy evening ahead."
