Thank you everyone for the support in particular on the 50-50 comment.
I didn't put all the dumb mistakes in my prior post. Here is probably the worst one, it is paraphrased because I tend not to remember word-for-word exchanges:
W: I sacrificed everything to move here for you. My career, my family, my friends. I am screwed financially. Me: I can understand that is really hard for you. W: Really?! Do you REALLY understand?
And the mistake:
Me: It's not easy for me either. You aren't the only one sacrificing. Sometimes I feel like all I do is provide a bag of money and in return I go 10 day stretches without seeing the kids.
I know it was a mistake and I need to do what AS suggested. I am going to think about proposing we try to handle these matters over e-mail and keep the phone calls to discussions about the kids.
There was a LOT discussed. Financially it seems my W is really worried about establishing credit because she has no income. She feels like things are frozen. I told her I didn't freeze anything, and she said, "Yeah I know" So she wanted in addition to a monthly spending account (which we each get, so it's fair) to transfer a fairly large sum of money into a savings account in her name. I said fine as long as I can do the same. It's a big of a red flag for me -- I don't think she will go spending it, but it happens to be suspiciously roughly the amount a L would ask for for a retainer. But this is me getting paranoid... even if that were true, great. I'm glad if she can feel more secure as long as it's fair.
She was also paranoid about my work retirement money, as the financial advisor told us last week once the money gets swept into my 401(k) it is separate property. I said OK, but I get this big company match which is basically free money. I agreed to write a document stating I am okay with this 401(k) being considered part of community property. I really don't care. Split it all down the middle if we go that route.
There was a lot of intense conversation about our timeshare schedule. Before the call, my W asked me to propose a schedule for the 2 week Xmas/NY holiday (yes, that far ahead). I gave her roughly a 50/50 time split with exchanges every 2 or 3 days. She fired back in e-mail that she wanted to take the kids to SD, they did that a lot last year, she didn't know we would be in this position this year, it was hard no. I responded (in email): "OK, what would work for you?" And she proposed something, and I said, "Great!" So I did well there (I think)
Right now I do every other Friday pm through Tuesday am with the kids. I'd like to squeeze in a family dinner during my 10 days without them, and maybe after awhile try to get an overnight in there. Three issues came up on the call:
1. My kids started school a week ago. My W is concerned that them staying at my house during the school week is disruptive. I did get a little triggered, and said "Of course I want what's best for the kids, they are adjusting to a lot, let's see how they do." She seemed to want me to instead do a "3 out of 4 weekends" Friday pm through Sunday pm kind of a deal. I didn't bite. One of my friends did that, and he said it was rough because he had 1 weekend a month. But regardless if the kids can adjust I want weeknights.
2. We have to switch up our alternating weekends a few times, mostly due to my W's plans (which I am being very accommodating about). If my W has consecutive weekends, that would be 18 days straight with the kids. She had proposed I take 1 weekend day. I had countered (this was weeks ago). That we should each take 2 days (out of my normal 4), and alternate who gets which 2 days and it will all balance out. Anyways, she is still "thinking about it." This one irritates me, because I think what I proposed is as fair as you can get to respect our existing timeshare schedule, but she acts like I'm being difficult.
3. She booked travel in October before our separation. Somehow it is my fault that this means she wouldn't see the kids for an extra couple days (she is going Wednesday night through Sunday). Obviously this is one of my weekends with the kids, and she didn't like going Wednesday night through Tuesday morning without the kids. I had thought she wanted to get them Sunday morning which I didn't like because I sacrifice a whole weekend day. I ended up saying, OK, How about I just do Wednesday night through Sunday night? and we agreed.
Oh there are more details... we are also going to try a budgeting app. Our financial advisor is going to run the state calculator to see what temporary spousal support would look like. My W thinks the budget is a factor, and I said I'm pretty sure it's based off income and custody alone. The budget is for our benefit so we can see the whole picture of this separation. I may be wrong.
Even more... one of my weekends, D5 has a dance competition. These things require getting all dolled up with makeup and hair, etc. My W wanted to do her makeup and hair, even though it's my weekend. I said ok. There is no way I can do dance hair. Right now I've only progressed to French braids with my girls, no makeup yet
So many details...
Overall what was disappointing to me was my W's mindset. She's really rewriting history on our move. I feel like writing some about that here as well. Sorry this is such a long post but I don't think I've ever really covered this aspect:
Three years ago we decided to sell our home in the town where my W's family lives. We had lived there about 8 years. My W didn't like the neighborhood, and I agreed, although we were locked into an amazing mortgage. My W was working part-time, and I had a job at a startup making low pay. This city did not have a lot of job opportunities for me in general. We decided to rent for a year, and by the end of that year, make a decision -- buy a new home, move, etc. I should also say we rarely saw her family while we lived there. But my W built up a decent circle of friends for herself, and we both had our reasons for loving the lifestyle.
That year of renting was stressful. It is the year my parents cut me off. Leading up to the end of the lease, we were looking at so many options. My W wanted to buy a house we couldn't afford. I went to my startup and got a 25% raise. It wasn't enough to make this work. Yes I was unhappy in the job, but if we bought a less expensive home I knew we could swing it for awhile.
In the meantime, I was investigating my other job options. One thing about startups is you only feel confident in your job security for the next 3 months anyways. They were promising bonuses and not paying them, etc.
We ended up with 3 choices. Stay at the startup, move to city #1 (less expensive, less desirable place to live, overall would have been an "easy" lifestyle financially), or move to city #2 (extremely expensive, tons of job opportunities, place where my W and I first met, and a job offer for me that would make it all work).
We chose move to city #2. I make about 2x what I made at the startup after the raise. I thought my W supported this, in fact my NGS was in over-gear at the time trying to make sure this was true. When we went to MC1 last year, she confirmed she was fully on board. So this shift is frustrating to me. It's as if she feels I emotionally coerced her to move.
So now the situation is that if we D, I have a nice-paying job and yes it would be fairly easy for me to adjust financially. I probably can't afford a home, but I will land on my feet. My W feels completely screwed financially. But it's not my fault, in my mind. We have been here now 2 full years and she has yet to start working. Also not my fault.
Sometimes I think staying at the startup would have been the right choice, but only if I also had somehow gone through the personal growth I have gone through now. We would have been financially in a bad spot, but maybe we could have made it work out. I would have been less worried about "the future."
The startup is still going, still not paying bonuses, and still has no payoff opportunities. It was job limbo, and still is for the people I stay in touch with. They hate it. I didn't want that for my family.
I think my W really struggled with adjusting to the move. She is a proud woman and has done some amazing things. She paid her way through school and got a PhD, all while her parents did not support her. Her siblings have a negative attitude about life and generally scratch by. So I think my W thought this was just another big change she could handle. And I think she really couldn't. I feel sad for her. I can see how she has crafted a narrative in her head so she doesn't have to directly deal with it. It's my fault, not hers. She's screwed, she's the victim. If only we could just move back to the home city. It's really interesting to see her negativity, now that I have learned to pull myself out of it. I don't feel superior, I empathize with her, I was there just a few months ago. I'm surprised how she has been in IC for 6 months and still feels this way. I'm surprised she doesn't realize she is in charge of her own happiness.
OK this is way too long, thanks for reading whoever got to this point!
