We are working on a financial arrangement where we each have a separate account that will get some fixed amount of money per month. Now my W wants to talk about who pays for which family/friend's birthday gifts. Literally $10 gifts. This level of detail is just exhausting. It's more detailed than a D settlement (I think).
Silly stuff like this just tell her when it comes up you will discuss it then. My XW was the same way, wanted to split every little expense 50-50 and work it out ahead of time. I just told her it was too much for me to think about and we would discuss it on a case-by-case basis as it came up. But we rarely have because we both contributed pretty equally after the D. I think once she saw it was working out that way that she backed off of it.
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She gets triggered when I don't agree with what she wants.
How do you mean, does she start yelling or getting aggressive or what? Next time just put a stop to it. Tell her you're not going to talk to her unless she can treat you with respect and if her mistreatment continues you will hang up. If she keeps doing it then tell her the convo is over and hang up.
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- She says she gave up her life in moving up here b/c I was unhappy with my job. I said we agreed together to make the move, that she did it all for me. - She says she will be screwed financially in a divorce.
This is NOT what the talk was supposed to be about. If she strays like this then put her back on topic. "I am sorry you feel this way but this is not the subject of this conversation, now let's get back on topic, we were going to discuss XYZ." Every single time she strays then repeat that. Think of these convos as a business conversation. It needs to be detached and professional, the same as if you were at the office.
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- She asked if things go south what I would want custody-wise long-term. I told her 50/50 (big mistake). She got really upset, said she would want to work part-time while the kids are in school. I wanted to tell her if we split I am not on the hook for her part-time working lifestyle (I didn't) -- but she sees this as "what's best for the kids" so obviously I'm a jerk for suggesting 50/50.
Stand your ground. "Blah blah work part time blah blah best for the kids blah" "You asked me what I would pursue and 50-50 is what I will pursue. Now can we please finish this conversation, I have other things to do today."
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- She doubted my sincerity in wanting to work things out, because I "reacted strongly when one of her friends got on a video chat with our kids." I wanted to say "you are just interpreting things your own way" but I said nothing. - She complained about about how hard it was not working, taking care of the kids, etc. - She complained about needing to establish credit since she has no income. - She said she's making all the sacrifices.
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It's so frustrating... she's complaining about M'd life, S'd life and D'd life all at once. And in her mind it's all my fault. "You don't act like someone who wants to reconcile."
"I am sorry you feel this way but this is not the subject of this conversation, now let's get back on topic, we were going to discuss XYZ." I am absolutely NOT exaggerating when I say REPEAT THIS OVER AND OVER if you have to. That is as much validating as you should do in a conversation that is supposed to be about kids and finances.
