Well that conversation was terrible and I made mistakes all over the place =( No need to 2x4 me because I see them all, I just feel I need to "fess up" here.
So many validation mistakes. She gets triggered when I don't agree with what she wants. But I got sucked into pointless discussions.
Example triggers: - She says she gave up her life in moving up here b/c I was unhappy with my job. I said we agreed together to make the move, that she did it all for me. - She says she will be screwed financially in a divorce. - She asked if things go south what I would want custody-wise long-term. I told her 50/50 (big mistake). She got really upset, said she would want to work part-time while the kids are in school. I wanted to tell her if we split I am not on the hook for her part-time working lifestyle (I didn't) -- but she sees this as "what's best for the kids" so obviously I'm a jerk for suggesting 50/50. - She doubted my sincerity in wanting to work things out, because I "reacted strongly when one of her friends got on a video chat with our kids." I wanted to say "you are just interpreting things your own way" but I said nothing. - She complained about about how hard it was not working, taking care of the kids, etc. - She complained about needing to establish credit since she has no income. - She said she's making all the sacrifices.
I responded to some of these things, which was stupid. I know better. I said this is really hard on everybody. I'm sure she felt like I was blaming her. All I can do is look ahead and try to do better, what's done is done.
It's so frustrating... she's complaining about M'd life, S'd life and D'd life all at once. And in her mind it's all my fault. "You don't act like someone who wants to reconcile." I bit my tongue... how exactly does someone who wants to reconcile act? I already tried the begging and pleading. I felt like she was saying "Someone who wants to reconcile does exactly what I want them to do" or something ridiculous.
She wants me to keep playing the supportive H role while she figures out if she wants to work on it.
It's so hard to validate and yet stand your ground. She mixes the emotions into it. So I have to balance standing my ground while also validating. And I stink at it, clearly.
Man I feel awful right now. Partly from all my missteps, and partly from hearing my W in this emotionally ruined state. It feels so hopeless. I know I'm being dramatic. I'm so tired of hearing her rants. I'm getting screwed here too.
