OM Backed Out

[tadpole1025]

Thanks DnJ and bttrfly.

It's been a rough day, but not as bad as yesterday. Losing a "fur baby" hurts. I feel like I did when my dog died when I was 10 all over again. When my rats died in 2014, I told myself no more pets because it hurts so bad, when they pass on. I didn't want to go through that again. PJ was not planned. He just happened and this hurt a lot more than I thought it would. When I was married, we had lots of pets, but I never really got close to any of them. They all kind of "belonged" to XW. They were all pets that she wanted. At one point, we had two dogs and six cats, but they were all ones that she wanted and picked out. They were considered "hers." I also didn't care like I do now. I think the divorce really messed me up and sometimes wonder if I'll ever be normal again...but, what is normal? I do like the person that I've become, but sometimes think I care too much or am just too sensitive.

Many people at work are saying that I should go adopt a cat from a rescue. They say it will do me some good. I want to. I really do. I'd love to give a kitty a nice home and I just might. That was the original plan for PJ, but he just wouldn't use the litter box. (I still wonder if I would have been more forceful about it if he'd be alive today. I'll always wonder.) I originally wanted to wait a while to get another cat. Don't want to get one too soon and don't want one to be considered "PJ's replacement", but I might actually do it sooner than later. See, I feel like I have no reason to be home now. I would make sure to be home every night to get PJ fed, because as I stated before, I didn't want to let him down and wanted him to know that he could depend on me. Now that he is gone, I feel like I have no reason to even come home from work. I'm single, no kids at home and no reason to come home now that PJ is gone. Kind of feel like I have no purpose. But if I got a little kitty and gave it a good home, maybe I'll feel better. Is it too soon? Isn't that like jumping into a new relationship too soon after getting out of a long-term one?

One more thing. I worry about getting a new pet because, I know it is silly, but there are two things that really bother me.

1.) If I outlive the new cat, I'll grieve all over again. I'm tired of the hurt and the grief. Seems like I've grieved for one thing or another since 2009. (My brother, my marriage, my mom, my rats, my grandfather....) The pets though....sometimes, that seems tougher. I really don't want to go through this again. My ratties in 2014 and now PJ...its too much.

2.) I'm only 51, but I do have health problems. I've already had a heart attack, a couple of episodes that could have been heart attacks, and heart problems are really common in my family on my dad's side. I'm also diabetic. I'm not at death's door, but I'm not in the best of health either. What happens to the cat if something happens to me? One of my sons has already promised to take care of it, but who knows? This is the kind of twisted stuff I worry about.

I know I shouldn't go through life like this and need to change the way I think, but I can't help it. This is how I think.

Tad