Let me know if I misread your situation. You have mentioned the pursuer/distancer dynamic (also called anxious/avoidant). It's common for both partners to feel disconnected from the other in these relationships.
I'm fairly certain you identify as the pursuer/anxious one. When the distant partner says they don't feel emotionally close to the pursuer, it is confusing. "What do you mean? I've been trying so hard."
You don't need to balanced detachment with allowing your H to see the parts of you that could be his friend. Detachment alone will lead you there. Once you become a secure, emotionally aware, stable, resilient person, you will naturally draw others closer to you for connection and friendship. It's part of the Zen paradox of DB.
