Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (3)

[Adam04]

small update since I am at the apartment now.

As for where I am mentally and emotionally, I'm good. I kinda felt like with the way W and I had been going that things were moving kinda fast. Felt like we skipped some needed time to be patient and relearning things. We jumped right into it after physically separating.

12 days from last update and W is coming back to saying ILY but seldomly and calling me baby, etc. But more judiciously. We've had sex a few times. We hug and kiss. She's start the life 360 and add me and my son. So we're able to track each other. There was one instance where my phone didn't show her location and I told her about it. She thought I was accusing her of turning hers off which she showed me hers was on and she showed me the travel path. She said she gets deflated when she is trying and I make it seem like I am not grateful for her trying. I told her sorry it seemed that way but I was only going by what my app was saying which when we both were at home we were able to look at them and her phone showed her on but mine showed her off. Then we used the share location feature with the iphones. She's not had an issue being transparent. She's also said I could use her iTunes account password one time to download something for my youngest on her old phone for him. So I have access she has freely given.

I'm not going to say I doubled down on giving time and space but I backed off. It's hard to put into so few words. I remember so many things from here that I was mindful of. There are posts by Miler when his W was kinda one foot out the door. I remember a lot of Steve85's posts. A lot of Sandi's posts. R2C's posts about thinking of the outcome or consequences and deciding on the action and dealing with it. AS and LH, I read your advice to others daily.

Much of what I do or don't do is shared with others throughout this forum. We make mistakes, we learn from them, dust ourselves off and get back to trying to be better. I still have my struggles. I know to be patient. I know to think ab out things while they are going on and before I say or do something if it will help or hurt. I've bitten my lip when I felt it was the right thing to do and other times I've taken my stance with my W because I felt like it was the right thing to do.

My W is in counseling for herself and I think it's helping her. I haven't gone yet, but its on my mind. I'm not pushing and am okay with where we are at for now.

The last few weeks work has been crazy with converting over to a new system. One night W asked me how it was going when I was still at work. I said it was going okay but sometimes it gets tough. She earlier said she was taking the kids to her brothers house for dinner but said because it sounded like I was having a rough day she stayed back to be with me at home. I see she is trying in her own ways. She didn't like me pushing or prodding her in the "right direction.

I had been going out and even mentioned to W she should take some time off and do something for herself. Whether its with friends or family. I'm not backing off completely ignoring my family duties at home.

I don't want this to sound all about my W but she has put her wedding ring back on. She had the engagement band on but is now wearing both rings. I don't know and haven't really asked but I think this is a positive sign(not just the ring, but everything she has been saying and doing after her meltdown for lack of better words). Before, I was hesitant with all of what was going on. We will see.

Nothing has changed DB-wise. Remain self differentiated, cool, calm. Even when it feels like the world is crumbling underneath and you're confused. it's okay to be. What we do and say matters though.

I'm going out more, with the family, with the kids, with her side of the family, with friends, and even alone. I don't find it awkward anymore. I enjoy my time alone doing things for me.

I didn't let the one year mark from BD get to me. In fact I remember that day I was happy for so many things in my life. I chose not to come on here to make it bigger than what it was. I'll leave it there for now.