Separated and sorted #2

[unchien]

As you might guess, this really resonates with me as well. WAW has mentioned a couple of times that she feels like I was gaslighting her, and was at times emotionally abusive - for basically the same reasons you laid out. Classic NGS stuff all the way down the line: anxious attachment, not being emotionally open, not communicating, not resolving issues..and on and on.

You're/we're doing the right things: we're accepting confronting our issues head-on, learning about them, doing what we need to do in order to not have them impact whatever comes next. It is true however that as much as we might beat ourselves up for not having these realizations earlier, it is not fully on us and so long as your sitch casts you as the abuser, I think you're right that those negative emotions and memories are going to overpower any thoughts of your positive contributions and qualities.

Thanks Steve - you always have very organized and thoughtful replies, it helps a lot.

My IC has a great saying: I don't believe there are abusers, there are only people who do abusive things. It helps me accept that my W and I can view things differently. And that we aren't locked into a label.

I am guessing you also feel that your W had some avoidant tendencies...

But it [censored], for sure. There's a great/brutal quote by Kierkegaard: "The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have." One of the biggest hurdles mentally is to not go back and think "Geez, if only I had read NGS earlier, things would have been so much better". That's just not the reality we face, there is no time machine.

That is a great quote. I'm not really grieving the loss of my MR right now, I'm grieving the loss of the dreams of the future we would share. And also realizing we had strayed from that path a long time ago.

And believe me, I'm typing that reply to you like a reply to myself as well. One day at a time, brother.

I completely get it... it is therapeutic participating here.