crdcheck - Yep, time and space. And handling the interactions with your W with care - validate, don't get triggered.
It does work even though it feels completely counter-intuitive. I'm pretty sure my M is heading for D. But after months of doing my best to DB (not perfectly), my W has started having brief moments of clarity. Not about wanting the M back, but understanding that I am not the devil in this situation.
Regarding rebuilding trust - I think trust is based on authenticity and integrity. Not on specific actions.
What I mean is, if you take an action with a goal of rebuilding trust, that is a controlling thing to do. For instance, granting your W access to your phone (I understand you are way past this point, illustrative example only). They will see that as a manipulative attempt, even though of course from your standpoint you are demonstrating you are trustworthy. Perhaps it is necessary to take action, but it will never be sufficient.
But if you instead can live authentically and with integrity - defining your values, and then executing your life according to those values, holding yourself to a high standard - that will shine through over time.
As weird as it sounds, this is where boundaries come into play. By not offering to take the dog to the vet, you are living according to the value that your W's problems are not your problems. You are a self-differentiated person, you will not let other people gray out those boundaries, your W, or anyone else. You look strong and in control of yourself. You look like someone who does not need to go find somebody else to feel complete. It is attractive.
In the short-term, these things like the dog vet will likely tick off your W. Take the long-term view. Whether she eventually trusts you or not, you are going to be so much happier with how you are living your life.
