The reality of limbo is becoming clearer, after MC last week in particular. My W identifies very strongly with emotional abuse, and is not ready to work on this in couples therapy. She has agreed she needs to work on this in IC.
For the past week plus I have been feeling very detached, almost to the point of indifference sometimes. I wonder what is the dividing line between loving detachment and indifference -- because indifference to me implies that I am completely done. I'm not there yet, but sometimes feel close.
Then I received one of MWD's emails this weekend. She mentioned that this is divorce BUSTING. Unless there is abuse involved, everything we do is about NOT GETTING D'd. I know that us folks on the forum are usually in dire circumstances, but it was definitely a small 2x4 reminder to me about why I am doing what I am doing.
And now I'm thrown for a loop. And I'm back trying to simplify things in my head, which helps me avoid ruminating.
I crossed the line sometimes in the past. I've talked about this at length in my threads. I've read several books about emotional and physical abuse (from both the abuser and abused perspective), talked in IC at length about it, even called a hotline at one point. Pre-BD I was in a very dark place, feeling labeled and like a terrible human being.
What happened with me is I could not deal with my emotions. I would get anxious about our relationship, and then seek affection, and feel spurned and rejected, get frustrated, and start acting passive aggressively. I wouldn't call my W names, I wouldn't physically approach her, but just that atmosphere of pressure was enough to set us down this path. I accept my role. Now I am at a place where I *can* deal with those emotions, I continue to learn and grow, and I feel really good about dealing with my issues.
But we both brought our issues into this, it is not all on me.
My W works in the mental health field. She is a smart cookie. If she truly felt abused and terrified, she would have filed an RO and filed for D. She *knows* she is bringing individual trust issues into this. Frankly, this is *exactly* what DB is all about. By following DB principles and focusing on my own well-being, I gave her the time and space and freedom to start to have some insight. I can't control it, but had I done anything else I'm sure things would have fallen apart quickly.
It feels like an incredibly difficult place though. Is it worth continuing? If the path to R involves me being contrite and repairing my abusive ways, well, that is not a healthy narrative. If the path to R involves me handling my emotional regulation issues, and my W becoming aware of her own issues and contributions to the erosion of our MR, then I can continue.
I guess it's pretty simple -- the continued use of terms like "abuse" make me feel like continuing this MR would be toxic on so many levels. There is an unhealthy power dynamic at play, for both of us.
Anyways, for now I'm okay with staying the course and letting my W work on sorting out what she wants to do next. Long-term I can't see how we can ever piece this thing together if the overarching storyline is abused/abuser.
