Is the rest of my life ruined???

[Ske0187]

My stable wife is now…Unstable…

Forgive me if I ramble. I am out of my mind right now.

Me Married 4 times 1st WW, 3 yrs, 2nd WH 5 Yrs 1 child now 30, 3rd WH then WW 14 yrs, two step kids now 35 and 34.

Learned a lot. I was totally wrong and repentant. Did all of my work and became a completely reformed scumbag.

Now... Married 12yrs. I would NEVER cheat on my wife. I traveled around the country A LOT. Never was even tempted. How many times can you betray and be betrayed before you figure it out?

Never thought this would happen in a gazillion years.

We met at work training when we were both married to other people. Talked. No hanky panky/crazy talk AT ALL. Both totally committed to fidelity.

Her marriage had issues. Mine was stable for 3-4 years after my affairs, then BOOM! (Again....) We became great friends. Lived far from each other across multiple states. Talked often, then not so much.

Both were already divorced when we were forced to be in the same place for work for an extended period. Feelings developed then.

We had sex when we first got together then decided not to anymore until marriage. 15 months no sex. She wanted kids, me not and she agreed. Led to some issues but were resolved after she decided it was “OK” but went off the pill without telling me. Sex went down the tubes. I didn’t want kids.

After a while we discovered she couldn’t have kids. (She would’ve been preggers already) We were used to not having sex then so still not having much.

About 6 years ago I agreed to adopt. She was ecstatic. Me too!

We get the foster to adopt thing going. Get our daughter. She is AWESOME! Best thing ever! We adopted her last DEC. I so regret not doing this sooner. Got our son 1.5ish years ago right out of the hospital. He’s awesome too! I can say with no reservations that it would be worse for our son to go ‘back” into the foster system than be raised in divorced sitch. Even though I know I’ll have to pay if I can’t get this to work. He deserves the chance.

Classic story. We were totally happy. Had great sex but not very often. Once or twice every couple months. She never complained or brought it up. I was tired from work all the time so no biggie right!!!??? For years she complains about me not helping her around the house and I’m communicating my displeasure at her delivery pointing that out. She feels I’m taking her for granted. Then no more nagging. SWEET! Right???

Now, WW!???!!! With 1 adopted DD 30 mos old, 1 Foster DS 17 Mos about to adopt 1st week of Sept. Yeah... In two weeks. What the H is she thinking!!!??? At work no less. With someone I know!!!

In May she changed overnight. She sat down on our chair and told me she wasn’t happy in our marriage, she didn’t want to have sex anymore. She has endo so I asked even if it wasn’t for that? And she said yes. This was about a week before she had to go away for three weeks. (Not around OM though as far as I know.)

Up until that point she totally withdrew hated smart phones but was now constantly on hers. I mean constantly. Would periodically accuse me of cheating, look at my phone, make the absolute WILDEST accusations. Despite the fact she had every password, location services, access to EVERYTHING! I was totally perplexed but paying attention. (See above for reformed scumbag.) I always told her what you don't know, WILL hurt you. But, she would never do this right? I didn’t think so. She knew my most valued marital value was trust because I had broken it and had it broken soooo many times before us.

I told her that when she accused me it broke down trusting feelings I had toward our relationship. But, she persisted in doing it.

About two weeks prior to BD, she talked to her sister but said we were having problems because I was taking her for granted. Then during a family camping trip two weeks ago ish she gave me the ILYBINILWY thing and tried to tell me it was all my fault. What???!!! I thought this stuff was 50-50??? I’m a laid-back dude but this was a lot so I told her this was a 50-50 thing. She wanted me to tell her about the things she was doing wrong in a very defensive tone.

I was scared. So far, she had started doing her hair differently, groomed differently, new nails, late home from work every day, accusations, ILYBINILWY, cell phone use. The flags were flying!

One day I surprised her with her cell and she put it down and moved so I couldn’t see it. I confronted her about it and she said she was turning off her music so we could talk. I really didn’t want to know so I didn’t look at it. (I was a coward.) Once you accuse, you cant take it back. I kicked myself for days about it. Then a few days later, I surprised her again while she was looking for a baby monitor to give my sister. (I wasn’t trying to sneak up on her.) When I came in, she put her phone down very quickly in the closet. I puttered around the room for a minute and then went in the closet and got her phone. I thought she was going to push me down trying to get it. I weigh 240 she’s 125.

There it was, the “I love yous”, the “What are we going to do about our, kids, spouses, lives.” Etc.
I’m devastated. I’m old! I don’t have that much time left to be wasting it on the BS I had to do before. I have two little kids. YES! The ones she’s always wanted. HER WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!!!

I know from past experience I need to do things to make sure I don’t come out of this a broken person. I went on the internet and found this site. I’ve been reading for about a week and have started the 180s. She’s pissed! She says I’m ignoring her. (I’m not) just withdrawn and cordial. No change whatsoever when the kids are around. I’m running, growing a very distinguished beard, I may shave it though. It makes me look older.

I’m not sure what I’m doing really. Cleaning out closets, cars, garage. I need my head back. She gets pissed about everything. I asked her to move down the hall, she followed me into the room yesterday to clean out her closet. (While I was doing mine)

She acts as though everything is ok and expects me to be ok with her being “in love” with someone else. Says it’s her fault but always adds “but” you put me in this position. I take full responsibility for my part of the breakdown of our relationship. NONE of her decision to take her body and feelings elsewhere.

I screwed up and told her I wouldn’t file D or help her in anyway except working out details of property, visitation and child support. I’m going to retract that.

Initially she stayed in the MBR but she didn't do anything about him and is just eating the biggest cake in the bakery!

I'm not into cake...

I laid down some boundaries.

She has to tell him its over. She told me she couldn't help her feelings. Nope. Not buying it. It's total crapola.

Seeing him alone is unacceptable. (They work together in a basement.)

He has to move out of the basement back upstairs.

She can’t yell at me. Ever.

I’m struggling with the decision to call the OMS and tell the sister and BIL.

Yesterday was our 12th anniversary. It sucked…

Right now, I can barely hold it together when I hug or even think about my kids. She betrayed them too and they are innocent.

The latest thing today is that I took my leftover BBQ to work. She hasn’t said a positive thing about any of it ever. Now, she’s pissed I took it to work. What???

The 180s are HARD. I feel they will push her away. I’m going to do them though. The alternative is unacceptable. I just don’t know about my future. I don’t have that much time to be unhappy… But my kids…

I'll need help with this. I've been reading and there are some really smart, kind and empathetic people here.

I’m going to close now. Ill be back….