Divorce because I betrayed her trust - I regret it

[crdcheck]

Hey Dan, sorry to hear about your situation. Many of your W's comments are exactly what I've heard from mine. My sitch was different (worse) but the core issue (violation of trust) is the same. I'm not out of the woods yet and I'm not sure that I will be but I can share my experiences/thoughts.

I was in the same boat when it came to wanting to be friends, trying to be fair when dividing things up (I was willing to give her everything to prove that I was sorry and would do anything to get her back). It sounds like you are willing an capable of change so, assuming that's the case, then I would ask myself why you felt unable to share this with her? It sounds like there were communication issues from an early point in your relationship (which is typical) but that goes both ways. In my case, as one example, I was shamed for saying that I didn't care for my W's brother so I never felt comfortable sharing anything darker. Point is, while I own the cheating, the bad MR (and communications) ar partially owned by my W.

This isn't about blame, it's about understanding yourself and your relationship so that you can either improve them with W or someone else.

It sounds like you are already GALing and taking care of yourself so that's a positive - it is fortunate that you have friends and family around. The only other advice I'd share at this point is to validate when she's talking to you but also to keep those conversations to shorter timeframes. I can say from personal experience that trying to discuss tough topics in a new way (validating) for hours is mentally exhausting and you will undo all of the good work you do in the first 45 minutes when you snap at the 46 minute mark. As awkward and bad as it may be to break a conversation off that feels like it's going well, the alternative is worse.

Best of luck, I'm thinking positive thoughts in your direction.