No real updates, I’m just really struggling and feeling isolated, so I came here. I got some advice here on my concerns about having pushed my H to file (thanks Blu and DV6) so I’m deciding to let go of the concern that I pushed him to do something he wasn’t already going to do. I’ve been in a bad place the last couple of days. I’ve been crying a LOT, and feeling depressed and lonely and desperate and just so sad. Feels like old times, post BD. I don’t know if it’s acceptance or just another wave of grief or what. Maybe those are one in the same. I’m using all the energy I have to be a good mom. I’m haply to say that D4 is doing really well and seems to have adjusted nicely to this situation. I’m putting in a lot of effort to be cordial to H, and I think that helps her feel secure. I’m proud of the fact that I’ve been a really good mom through all of this. I am not showing a bit of sadness or anger or neediness to H. But I have no poker face, and even when I smile through, I wonder if he feels it from me. I don’t even know what I project anymore. I’m really trying to detach and LRT and I’m really having a hard time. My H shared with me a dream he had a couple of weeks ago. I won’t go into it, but the point was that he is afraid of me (we had MAJOR pursuer/withdrawer issues and when I got triggered and desperate for connection I often yelled and had emotional outbursts). I’ve been thinking a lot about the dream and the fact that he shared it. He told me that what it meant to him is that he is afraid of me and that even though he feels badly about what’s happening, his fear makes him conflicted. This info came during an emotionally charged evening and it triggered me at the time. But now I see I missed a major opportunity to validate his feelings. It also makes me see that it’s very possible that the biggest thing standing between us is his fear. And I don’t know what I can do to heal that fear if he won’t give me a chance to do so...
