Divorce because I betrayed her trust - I regret it

[DaB35]

Hi All

First timer here. I am from the UK. So apologies for British spelling!

I have been married 3 years, and with my wife for a total of 8 years.

Our relationship was very good. We both helped around the house, we cooked together, we had very similar tastes in music, film, tv, comedy, outlook on life etc. We were well matched. She was really good for me and brought me out of my shell to a degree (and improved my dress sense!). Our families and friends all got on.

She discovered in May 2019 that I have been using p**n sites since the start of our relationship. I started using the sites before I met her, around 2008. This progressed from looking, to signing up to a few free sites, to communicating with other users, to uploading things myself, to commenting on other user's material, to messaging/emailing 2 women from one of those sites. I paid them about £60 GBP to receive some photos from them. It then escalated to me sending some pics of my exes (normal, clothed) to one of the women, and also I sent a photo of her sister to one of the women and she commented on her in a vulgar way. I am not attracted to her sister in any way - she is really quite annoying and I've never really warmed to her - but of course my wife feels rejected about the whole thing.
It is essentially an addiction, going for a more and more outrageous 'buzz' each time. I hid it from her as I was ashamed. I never asked anyone for help.

I am seeing a therapist for this now. Things are going really well and I have really made some major leaps. The addiction stems from lack of self-esteem, fear of failure, low stress tolerance, fear of intimacy etc.

She was totally distressed when she discovered everything. Stupidly, I left the windows open on my iPad, and she happened to open it when I was out at work one morning (we share each other's iPads and know each other's passwords as we share apps etc.). She went to my friend's, then her brothers, then a friends, then up to her sister in Scotland.

She asked me to move my clothes out of the house. I'm living with my parents. She is living alone in our house.

In May we kept having long (2-3hour) phonecalls that didn't really end well; she'd ask for every gory detail. It was awful.

Then in June, I saw her for the first time on June 8th. For the next few weeks things were a bit more positive. She was more affectionate and we'd meet up a few times at the house, cook together, go out for dinner together etc. We even made love a couple of times and she was texting me at work saying she thought about me a lot. I even took a polygraph test to prove I never met up with anyone and that there was nothing more for her to discover. I passed the test with flying colours. I had also been sending her my phone bills/internet activity etc., to prove I had not been using the sites. I still haven't been using the sites.

In July she suddenly didn't contact me for 3 weeks. She wouldn't respond to any texts at all except for when I needed to go up to the house to collect things occasionally for work etc.

Then on 29 July she emailed me saying she doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce. She says I have 'rubbished' her love and cannot trust me as I lied for the whole relationship. I had chances to stop (when we met, moved in, got engaged etc.) and I didn't. She believes I favoured the addiction compared to her. She agreed that she will not fight or play dirty, and everything will be 50/50. Having no kids makes the process easier it seems.

She has since texted me to say that she is very sad. She says "It's all very final, I'm so sad it has all had to end like this, I wish things were different and none of this ever happened." She has also said "I want a friendship from this as I care very deeply about you and your happiness" and "I would like to be friends."

It was our anniversary on 3 August. I left her a present and card. In the card I said I was sorry that things went the way they did, and that I accepted her decision. I then hoped her family/friends are ok and that I loved our life together. She texted me that evening to thank me and said it "meant a lot" to get that card.

I met her at the house on 17 August. We went through every room in the house and made a list as to who will get what. We agreed about finances etc. She also wants the house on the market very quickly.

She is finding the whole thing stressful and will move in with her brother and his wife. She runs a few businesses and needs to use machinery and tools (currently in our garage) but now that we'll sell the house she can't afford to buy somewhere herself yet and so her machinery may need to go to her parents' garage which is 200 miles away. Her work life is therefore all over the place.

I feel awful. We have not been fighting recently; everything has been calm and pleasant. We even had a few laughs at the weekend.

I am taking steps to improve myself - catching up on hobbies, exercising, talking to family and friends.

She has sent off online divorce application forms already. I am dreading receiving it. I would love her to reconsider but I think she's decided this is her stance - she's quite headstrong! - and that I have to deal with the consequences of my actions which I acknowledge.

I would really appreciate any thoughts you may have.

Thankyou.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
Met - 30 October 2010
Married - 3 Aug 2016
Day of discovery of betrayal - 14 May 2019
Separation - started 25 May 2019
Divorce announced - 29 July 2019
She sent off Online form - 18 August 2019