(((Hope))) Hugs. I’m out of the country on vacay and don’t have my laptop, but have been loosely checking here from my phone. So excuse the typos, as it’s hard to proof read.

Yes, my H has the MNG syndrome and I still see it rear it’s ugly head. Just today, we were out with the family waiting for a huge pride parade — it was a hot day, a long wait and we were mostly standing in front — and he let a couple with a child move in front of us. The kid was the same age as our youngest. WTF. It doesn’t even occur to him that while he is being so polite to strangers, he is letting them in front of his own family. It just boggles my mind at times. And then I’m triggered. My kid was stretching to see around them and I had to talk some c-ap at him, which def suxked some fun out of the event. So while he has made changes, he will never fully change.

I digress. Sorry. The NG stuff was particularly hard to deal with during the separation. I had to see him often because the kids were younger and the days I had to work he would need to come over and get them ready for school. He would always be on time, make me coffee, clean up, so helpful and usually quite cordial. Yet he was still running off to OW! He still had an A and broke up his M and family! I was so hurt and angry and here he was being so nice to my face. It was truly a mind F!

So the mistake I made was roping myself into everything he did and didn’t do rather than letting him be. I was wearing my heart on my sleeve and acting on emotions. I would read here and try and follow the rules but it was hard and I felt fake — like I was being too nice and letting him “get away with it.” Cycle that with R talks, getting upset and lashing out, and trying to force him to admit he knew it was a mistake. I didn’t get very far with either of these so I would go back to ignoring and stonewalling him, which felt the easiest. It also got the most reaction.

It wasn’t until around 8 months that I gave up. I just stopped all of it and started acting as if. I didn’t give up hope, but I let go of the rope. It’s hard to explain the shift, but I started to just accept that we were not together and lived my life accordingly. I didn’t show him that I was hurt, desperate or angry. I got tired of fighting. So for me in my sitch this was a huge 180.

I don’t recall that you have been struggling with that as much. I think you have done a pretty good job of following the rules. So what does your 180 look like? Could it be that you haven’t accepted he is gone? I know how hard that is and I struggled with it too. The weird thing is, the sooner you accept it, the more likely he is to change his mind. There is also a strong chance he never will :-(

I also recall you saying you might have pushed him to file. That gave me pause. I’m not sure you can push him to do something he wouldn’t have done anyways. I have read that other places on the site but I don’t entirely agree. They may move things along more quickly, but I don’t think it changes the outcome. In fact, in my case it had the opposite effect. After several weeks or months of following the rules, I wrote my H an email and said that I didn’t want to live in limbo, it wasn’t fair to confuse the kids, and that if he was planning on filing for D, then let’s get going so I can move on with my life. That started his quick turnaround. He may or may not have done that without my email tho — he was on his own downward spiral.

Hang in there Hope. I know how incredibly difficult and emotional this is. It’s terrifying. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You can only do so much, and right now, being a good mom and self care matters sooooo much more than what he will do. I’ll read your updates soon and think on this further. Take good care. And please, please trust me on this — if your H doesn’t want you and a beautiful life with you, you really don’t want him anyways. You dont! You want a man that wants you. Yes, it’s that simple. This is HIS loss!!! My H today would tell you the exact same thing.

Hugs!
Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela