We interrupt your normally scheduled life...

[Yail]

FS, I wanted to respond to your note. You always know JUST what to say. I can honestly say I've missed you on your hiatus! Glad you popped back in though. I know we can't all be here forever, but it's just so nice to have a friendly face.

Some of what you wrote was just so spot-on. You really hit it.

About the house:

And then it was just yours. The place where you broke down. The place where you healed. And part of that healing process is making your home your sanctuary. The place where you started to feel safe again, where you shut off the world and turned inwards.

I did feel exactly this way. I transitioned. It was a place I hid in when it was too much to bear. Then it was a place I felt safe in. And now I am becoming so strong, and I am okay to leave it. I can't grow here anymore. So while I am sad to leave this house, it hasn't been "our" home in nearly a year. I'm ready for a home again. I will certainly miss my neighbors though - they're wonderful people. I hope to see them around town.


And about my feelings:

There is also a perceived lack of control. ... The same lack of control you felt when she left.

I have always had issues with control. I've always been fully in control of myself, and I expect a certain degree of control in my surroundings. I am learning to let this go, and to let come what may. I have come to embrace and laugh in the chaos. This is perhaps the biggest lesson of all for me. My desire for "happily ever after" isn't enough to manifest it.

I notice my own growth as W and I volley the occasional logistical email back and forth. When she has a plan that contradicts mine I no longer get worked up. Some things are her decisions to make, and I need to allow that. Similarly, when there is something I need to speak up for I do so. I control only myself. Before I needed to control the "situation" (if I say ___ in ____ way, will she react with a _____ emotion and then I can do _____". No more. I have no more emotions when she emails or texts. I feel I am truly letting go.

I got a second piercing (on my ear) and am also thinking of getting another tattoo. I saw on a shirt with "we are the grand daughters of the witches you weren't able to burn" and I am thinking of getting that tattooed down my right side. My H would go ballistic but, f him.

YEEESSSSS. I love that quote, I've seen it around. I still plan on getting a bouquet of flowers on my upper thigh. But if I did get a quote, I think I'd go with "What didn't they do to bury me/ But they forgot that I was a seed".


******

In other (silly, non-W related) news...

* I'm playing a frantic game of "Eat down the pantry" before the move. Today was a winner. I had a ton of cheese from Italy (from my farm I worked at. It had been vacuum packed and recently opened). Also had some phyllo dough. some asparagus. Bacon. So I made the most amazing tart for dinner. Also goat cheese/fig/phyllo desserts. I'm feeling very spoiled.

I forgot how much I like to cook. Perhaps I will return to cooking in the Fall. It was too emotional to cook beautiful meals for only one person last year. I think I'm back.

* I connected with a local classical musician I used to work with and only knew casually. She had some business at the college I work for. What fun conversations we had! Yet another potential friend out there in the world that just solidifies the fact that I actually am a social person at heart. I had no idea.

*Ahh, the cutie at work. I realized it's only when she is by herself that she is slightly flirty. She's completely dead-pan and business-only when there is anyone else around. I find that telling, but I don't know what that's telling. I'm intrigued, but not so desperately crushing as I was before. I feel normal around her these days. Still wouldn't mind a bit more though.

* I am expertly avoiding and procrastinating at packing just because packing is no fun at all. That's why there's a long update. I'd much rather eat my goat cheese tart and play on the computer.

Well, boo. I don't think I can procrastinate much more. I have so much packing to do and positively zero desire to do it. Onward!