Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2

[crdcheck]

This type of stuff would make me furious, if I were in the shoes of the LBS. I mean, you could do absolutely nothing right in her opinion and she did not want to work on the MR, but the minute she moves out she wants to be in the family photos and be your best pal?

I should clarify - these haven't all occurred yet but, based on previous experiences I think that they are reasonably likely. In the past she's said that she wants to be friends no matter what, going so far as to suggest that we take a family trip together. Those big items I know that I will have time to think through before responding but I wanted to proactively think through small items ("hey, do you want to come in and see the crazy kitchen in here?"). I recognize that a) I'm going to make mistakes and that b) in isolation they probably won't have a huge impact (we are getting divorced, 1/3 chance of attempting R, 1/3 chance of R taking hold) but I'd like to do what I can to improve our odds.

IMHO, keeping the road paved smoothly is not creating a situation where it would make getting back together impossible or extremely stressful........as long as you hope to reconcile with your XW. My favorite example, (b/c I've seen it happen right here on the board), is a man who jumped into a rebound relationship with OW. Then his W wanted to reconcile. But then........guess what? OW tells him she is pregnant. So, you see the problem. Keeping the road paved smoothly doesn't mean you bend over backward to accommodate your XW, but you don't try to be her worst enemy, either.

Yep, makes sense. Where I'm at in general is that I'm going to be me and if she looks over decides that's who she wants then we can talk about working through our issues. I'm not going back to the status quo even if she decides that I wasn't as bad as she thought (shame on me for trying to change too much of myself that I really didn't exist). Where I sort of struggle is that, with most people I'm an open book. When people at work ask me how my weekend was I give specifics. When the barber asks why I'm buying a house when I just moved I tell him about the divorce and how I contributed to it. Point is, being "mysterious" with W will be inconsistent with who I am and I'm not sure if that is the nature of the situation and will improve the odds of a positive outcome or if it will come across as insincere (another case of me not being myself) and push her away.

I suggest you keep things on a business level for several months, maybe a year. Don't engage in texting except in matters about kids. ... So, it's time to drop the rope and move on with your life. I don't advise you to get into another relationship for a couple of years, but you don't have to stop living and GAL.

Makes sense. One question - why the recommendation against another relationship? Not disagreeing, just want to understand the danger (that W thinks I've closed the door to R? That these are likely to fail?)

I think it's time to cut out MC, if that is still going on. She can get IC, and you can continue with IC. Hopefully, within a couple of years, she can start letting go of some things and moving forward. I realize that sounds like a long time, but realistically, when dealing with these type of issues, it's not that long. Whether you reconcile the M or not, if she can heal enough, then the two of you may be able to get on closer terms. Only time will tell.

MC is over - I dropped the rope on this after the last session, decided that if she wanted to continue to see someone to work on communications, etc., I would be happy to do so, but not only am I no longer going to beg or coerce her into going, I'm not even scheduling it. That's been my approach for the entire divorce. She wants to sell the house? Fine. But I'm not volunteering to pull weeds to make it more presentable. If she asks for help then, depending on whether or not I want to I will. But ultimately this is her "project" now that she unilaterally cut me out of leadership responsibilities.

I have an IC that I like. I think that hers is poor - based on her website and description from W it seems like she's all about making W feel better, no discussion of W's impact to MR. E.g. W claims that IC diagnosed me with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Even if I had it, that can't be done without an in-person evaluation. But maybe W made that up (of late I've noticed that she has a distressing habit of exaggerating and/or straight up making stuff up). Regardless, I don't think that her IC has been an advocate for working together on this - since she started she's come back with nothing but criticisms of me ("turning away" rather than "turning toward"). Of course, I do have to ask myself if I'm just a big a##hole but I think there is toxic behavior from both of us.

Last question: what does "closer terms" mean? It seems like we are saying "no" to cake eating which leads me to conclude that I should be business-like for...ever, but what would "closer" be like? I mean, here's the thing: I have plenty of friends (more now that I'm not on a leash), I'm a great father, I have more to do than I have time to do. I don't need another friend. I need a partner. That "job" is available, all other postings are filled at this time. As angry as I am with her about various items I can see that we make a great team in so many ways and that the differences are overplayed - we could work through them together if she was willing to do so. But a buddy? Nah.

Thanks, Sandi, for the advice. I spent a lot of time marinating on it before responding and I appreciate the mix of short-term vs longer-term recommendations.