H, I really do get that you want this to work and I see that you are really pinning a lot of hopes on MC to turn things around. But it WILL NOT WORK. We are all telling you this and your response is always the same "I hear you say XYZ, BUT..." In other words, you think you are an exception. You think your sitch is different. IT IS NOT. We are not trying to discourage you, we are trying to explain to you that you are on the wrong path to recon. Your recon is absolutely, positively not imminent and won't happen through MC (which even your own W told you she doesn't see as MC). Possible recon is WAY down the road. You've got to let go of the notion that some miracle is happening here. Just relax, step back, stop pursuing, let her go, focus on you. I would suggest you stop going to MC, but if you want to continue then have ZERO expectations. Quit apologizing, surely you've done enough of that. Just listen and validate (validating is NOT apologizing). Don't talk unless you have to, and if you have to, then be very brief.
Yes an alpha can be sorry, humble and apologize but if the woman is not willing to accept his apology he will move on and find a woman who will accept him for who he is and is willing to work on things when times get tough.
An alpha wouldn’t stay with a woman who files for divorce because she’s mad. That’s very immature.
I agree with you and I am trying to do everything I’ve been told by you guys. I do have expectations that MC is going to turn things around, but that it will just take time. I don’t think my situation is any different, buthere are some exceptions. Also, I’m just trying not to hurt myself any further.
With that said, this feeling comes and goes, but I don’t know how to deal with it. I would love some advice. I’m feeling that I’m sure if I want to continue on this path anymore. I know that I really do, but sometimes I just get this feeling that I don’t care about it anymore. Maybe it’s normal, but I don’t want to have that feeling.
Any advice?
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
H, I really do get that you want this to work and I see that you are really pinning a lot of hopes on MC to turn things around. But it WILL NOT WORK. We are all telling you this and your response is always the same "I hear you say XYZ, BUT..." In other words, you think you are an exception. You think your sitch is different. IT IS NOT. We are not trying to discourage you, we are trying to explain to you that you are on the wrong path to recon. Your recon is absolutely, positively not imminent and won't happen through MC (which even your own W told you she doesn't see as MC). Possible recon is WAY down the road. You've got to let go of the notion that some miracle is happening here. Just relax, step back, stop pursuing, let her go, focus on you. I would suggest you stop going to MC, but if you want to continue then have ZERO expectations. Quit apologizing, surely you've done enough of that. Just listen and validate (validating is NOT apologizing). Don't talk unless you have to, and if you have to, then be very brief.
I feel she is very immature. Those that know my situation in real life also very much agree, too.
Originally Posted by LH19
H,
Yes an alpha can be sorry, humble and apologize but if the woman is not willing to accept his apology he will move on and find a woman who will accept him for who he is and is willing to work on things when times get tough.
An alpha wouldn’t stay with a woman who files for divorce because she’s mad. That’s very immature.
I would terry to read into everything and I wasn’t on that emotional rollercoaster. When she had a good day, I had a good day. That was easy. When she had a bad day, I had a bad day. That was really hard.
Now, I’m trying not to care as much. But I don’t know what that means. Does that mean that I’m falling out of love with her? Does that hurt what’s left of our relationship?
I’m just not sure, but would love to get an answer from you guys.
Now, I’m trying not to care as much. But I don’t know what that means. Does that mean that I’m falling out of love with her?
A little bit! 6 months ago I loved her more than me. I now put me and my kids first. I still love her.
Originally Posted by "HrtHsbnd"
Does that hurt what’s left of our relationship?
This new "I love you" isn't hurting our reconciliation. Consider our partners already put themselves first! She gets after leaving me she needs to rebuild my trust. I get for what drove her away I need to rebuild her trust. Hopefully someday we'll each feel safe putting each other first again.
Keep in mind we advocate loving detachment here. The "loving" piece is often missing when we talk about detachment, which often leads to misinterpreting detachment as "not caring."
Loving detachment means adopting an empathic stance, while also not having your moods tethered to your spouse.
"Not caring" is perhaps a useful short-term strategy, but long-term the key to detachment is being more in touch with your own emotions and moods. Find your center. This may feel like not caring -- in actuality it is the most loving, caring thing you can do. Move your focus from your W's moods to your own moods.
You are asking questions about falling out of love, and whether this hurts your relationship. Those are outcome-focused questions, they carry expectations. Focus on the process. Let go of expectations.
I just don’t know that she even wants to reconcile. I’m 5.5 months in and while her attitude seems to be improving, she can be just as nasty as ever.
I truly don’t know how much more I am willing to take. I feel like it would be easier st this point to just build a life with someone else, but it’s not really what I want and I know it’s not what’s best for my son.
She said divorce again today when she was upset with me and said that I’m just moving it further along. All I did was let her know it wasn’t healthy for her parents to undermine my parenting our son.
But what does just giving up and walking away look like?
I’m truly just tired of the stress and aggravation of it, but I guess that’s where loving detachment comes into play. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I buried my mom at 18 and raised my brother since.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by "HrtHsbnd"
Now, I’m trying not to care as much. But I don’t know what that means. Does that mean that I’m falling out of love with her?
A little bit! 6 months ago I loved her more than me. I now put me and my kids first. I still love her.
Originally Posted by "HrtHsbnd"
Does that hurt what’s left of our relationship?
This new "I love you" isn't hurting our reconciliation. Consider our partners already put themselves first! She gets after leaving me she needs to rebuild my trust. I get for what drove her away I need to rebuild her trust. Hopefully someday we'll each feel safe putting each other first again.
This is what they do. You stick up for yourself and you are correct her parents shouldn’t undermine your parenting and they don’t like it (but respect it) and throw out the D were to try to get you to fall in line.
My sitch lasted about 3.5 years and was a painful mfer. The thing is I am 1,000 stronger today.
Just start building your own life. What would that look like?
