It's an interesting discussion to have, U. It's different for everyone...
After the first session in a month with my IC yesterday, she determined accurately that I am still in significant shock from what happened over the past 12 months. We had been discussing plans and goals for me in the future, and I told her that I was not comfortable making any major life decisions while I am in this state. She then went on to say that of course i would feel this way, it had been over 21 years and for the R to end suddenly like that it would have that effect.
I likened it much to the PTSD i experienced in my upbringing, and then again in the military following a search and rescue mission we did that left severe emotional scars. IC said that these kinds of traumatic events can also leave emotional scarring - much like a real scar, and the people we seek afterwards can be an attempt to simply alleviate the suffering, rather than someone with whom we could make a real connection.
My melancholy feels much like what you describe, except everything has a dull, flat quality to it. There is life there, and it does peek out in moments of clarity, but the rest is shrouded in a numbness-inducing haze that obscures everything. I dont know if I can describe it more clearly than that.
The only way to deal with it is to go through it.
I wish I had better advice to give - but I'm still struggling. If it helps, know that you're not alone in this.
