I set the goal to try to start to get to a place of feeling lovingly detached toward H when he came to get D4 this afternoon. I’m struggling quite a bit with detachment these days, so I re-read some of DR, as well as the words of you fine people, and decided that I am capable of this, and that fake it til I make it is going to have to be my initial jumping off point. I’ve thought a lot about why I struggle so much with the idea of giving H more than he deserved from me right now (which is why it’s hard for me not to be cold toward him) It’s multi faceted, some of it very obvious/universal and some more convoluted/specific to me. Ive always been triggered by any kind of perceived rejection by loved ones, and that is (obviously) at its height right now. Unfortunately, I’ve let that get in the way of my goals for my M. So it behooves me, for personal growth as well as for any chance there might be to rebuild my M, to strengthen my ability to absorb rejection triggers and not react to them in ways I will always regret later. I think that if I focus there in my interactions with my H, I will feel better about myself, and I will treat him more kindly as a natural side effect. At the end of the day, I want to be able to rise above my old self and treat him well despite the fact that he has not treated me well. I want that to be on the list of things I can tell my daughter I strived for when she is grown. And yes, I want to be able to know in my heart that I actually did what I could for this marriage. I know I can only do that if I let go of my attachments to all the things he may or may not do or say. I felt very triggered a couple of times this evening, and I’m pretty proud of my ability to breathe deep and not react. It’s a baby step for me.
