What I could have said more clearly is I worry I am operating in an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality right now. It's really easy to ignore the elephant in the room, that this situation is not really sustainable, and perhaps I am not addressing things that I need to address.
It's almost as if I over-corrected from "I need to have clear expectations" all the way to "I have zero expectations and will just float along here." Zero expectations are okay, but floating along is not okay.
My friend is an engineer (just like me) and very logically oriented. I don't feel like I need to follow his advice, but he did help me consider that I may be operating on auto-pilot.
Compared to a few months ago, I don't have the same impulse to create a plan with a definite timeline. It's more that I just want to make sure I am not operating without any plan at all. I need to be fair to myself. Whether or not my W needs 12 months, 24 months, or 10 years, my needs are important too. Zero expectations on where she will be at any time, but also I need to be compassionate towards myself and what I need.
This spike in emotional awareness has really caused me to drop off my old patterns of logical thinking. I intentionally and deliberately try to make more emotionally-based decisions now. However, that requires constant awareness of my emotional state, so I am not in pure "reactive" mode. It's not that I avoid logical thinking, but so much of my logical thinking in the past was based on wanting to control outcomes rather than actually make good decisions.
One thing I can say is it feels absolutely incredible to more in tune with my emotions. Even the negative ones.
I think I discussed in a prior post how I was worried about the impulse to start a new relationship. One thing I have realized is what I really miss is connection. It's not about romantic relationships, it's just basic human connection. That is something I can work on right now.
