Sounds like things are going well Lilly! I hear you on the spending, it's hard to reign it in after years (or decades) of having two incomes. I've been D'd for years and honestly still struggle daily with my desire to overspend!
I've been thinking about how to address expectations since the separation agreement hasn't been signed or really acknowledged.
I'd like for H to know what I expect from him so I don't get another BS response when he needs to pay for something that isn't normally covered by child support. Keep in mind the amount he provides, he came up with what he thought was fair...(it's a few hundred less than he should be paying according to our state).
I'm thinking about requesting some sort of over the phone mediation..I'm just not sure how to address it.
Ultimately H did the right thing with the back to school supplies, but technically he should be paying for 1/2 the uncovered medical expenses as well and I've never asked for that. It's not that much maybe a total of $100 over the past year, but it seems like you give an inch and they take a mile.
I covered the kids b-day gifts, wrote both of our names on the cards, and since they are older it's more $$. Like I said, I just don't know how to address it. I don't want to pursue the separation agreement, I got one that I thought was fair and presented it to him and he didn't like that he'd have to pay extra $ based on the state and haven't heard anything about it since.
You have your H's number, which sounds like he pulled out of thin air. Where did it come from? You are the one taking care of the kids, how the heck does he know what it costs?
Then you have the state number. Have you gone through working out the number you think is fair? It sounds like you have a lot of little expenses here and there which will add up. Forget the state calculator, what do you consider the cost of supporting your children? It might be worthwhile to draft up a budget.
For the b-day gifts, if he doesn't contribute, next time don't write his name on the card. That seems fair to me.
My take is both of your lives would be a lot easier if you just agreed on the lump-sum monthly amount, and you didn't need to have back-and-forth conversations over various expenses as they come up.
Perhaps you can consider raising that point first, before suggesting mediation as the method for coming to agreement on the amount?
Not sure, maybe an online calculator. I definitely agree w. the state calculation because it's a flat rate then 1/2 the childcare expenses (it varies monthly).
I definitely learned my lesson as far as the gifts go. This is the 1st year I didn't buy his grandmother something for her bday. He did get me a gift from "the kids" after I told him not to for my birthday. I ended up returning it and buying my daughter some things that she needed and I did get myself something I needed too. Going forward I'm just going to do my own thing.
I have raised the issue and his stance has been that he shouldn't have to pay the full amount bc he has to purchase a plane ticket to see the kids. I try to listen and validate but part of me thinks that's what happens when you move across the country to leave your family for a job...
I am really considering the telephone coaching sessions to get a plan in place. I feel confident I'm doing well, then like I'm spiraling..
OK so he took the state number and subtracted out his airfare to come visit your kids?
Is that right from a legal perspective? I have no idea. To me, it sounds like he is diverting money intended for your children towards himself? What if you told him "no need to visit, just send me the full amount"? I'm being facetious but I don't think his logic squares. This *must* be a situation covered by the calculator or legally.
I did 3 coaching sessions. They were somewhat helpful, the advice was a little "softer" than what the forums deliver. Good to hear a different perspective.
Sorry one more thing... I would think the basic support payment would have to be adjusted for cases when parents live apart.
Let's say instead of your H coming to visit, you were shuttling the kids back and forth on airplanes. That is an expense that must be paid for by somebody. It has to be factored into the calculation.
Haha! We are on the same page with this. I already got the lawyers take and they said I could always accept less money if we both agreed.
I will think about it more for the telephone coaching. Idk if I would benefit since we are separated and don't have much contact other than to discuss the kids.
Wait... why would you accept less? Sorry I am alarmed on your behalf...
I may be thinking about this wrong, but I can see how it gets complicated.
1. Does the state calculator account for any travel expenses? 2. I would think the travel expenses should be a shared expense, but would also account for income discrepancy.
Here's why I ask. Let's assume your H is the sole income earner (I don't know your situation here).
The calculator spits out $1000/mo for support assuming you all live in the same town. Now it costs him an additional $100/mo to travel to visit the kids periodically.
The total cost of child support is now $1100/mo. You still need that $1000/mo. It's a shell game.
It doesn't matter that it was his choice to live apart or not. It is just a fact, and it increases your total parenting costs, and somehow the two of you need to come to an arrangement to pay those costs.
If you both earn income I can see how this might get more complicated about who pays what percentage of the travel, and maybe that's a negotiable point...
I would never accept less, but I have been by not addressing the issue.
We both earn the same amount/month. The military sends him my my way for work often so that expense isn't a cost to him. He did buy 3 plane tickets to come for vacation and he stayed with me every time so the only expense he was out was the airfare, he used my car. He is a 4 hour plan ride away. I understand where he is coming from, but his logic doesn't support what actually happens. If the children were going back and forth I could see me purchasing my ticket + one of the kids but I'm not thinking his airfare due to poor life choices should decrease the support amount. Like you said before, he could just not come visit.
As far as I know the state calculator doesn't account for travel expenses for the parent.
I advocate making this as clean as possible, by separating the issue of child support payments from the cost of travel and visits.
Perhaps, "Let's agree that if we ignore travel, the child support payment is X."
Now you can focus on just negotiating your H's travel costs... which is going to be challenging in its own right. But hopefully that untangles the emotions of b-day gifts and BTS supplies from the fundamental issue and helps you decide what you want. I think that problem on its own is incredibly complicated.
