I'm feeling kind of lousy lately. Because I've committed to PMA I didn't really notice it, but I realize I've been faking the PMA a bit. Melancholy is probably the right word.
Part of this is just missing the heck out of my kids.
I'm sorry you are feeling lousy, U. This whole situation [censored] - theres no shortcuts around it. I remember feeling like you did about 3 months ago and then it all crashed down on me at once. It's part of the emotional rollercoaster. I still feel it, been in a rough state now for over a week and a half. This is the longest it's been since BD, and I'm trying like hell to cope with it best I can.
Originally Posted by Unchien
We talked about my W wanting to focus on IC right now, that she is not ready to talk about the deeper emotional issues with me right now.
My friend pointed out that I can't be expected to wait around forever. His situation was not exactly the same as mine.
As I always think to myself: "Consider the source."
I'm glad your friend helped you out, and you are lucky to have support like that. But... who is expecting you to not wait forever? You? Him? Society?
I have heard an LBS who stands waits about 12-18 months for their S. And someone in MLC takes about 2-2.5 years to start to come out of it, IF they come out of it. So that's the kind of timeline we are looking at - maybe.
You can wait (or not wait) as long as you want. It's your life, it's your situation, not your friends'. I wouldn't feel pressured to listen to anyone or society about expectations of what you should or shouldn't be doing.
It is nice that he said that and maybe he meant it in a good supportive way. But the choice is yours
Originally Posted by Unchien
I mentioned that I worry there will never be a trigger event to push me along. If we had a big blow-up fight, or found out she had a PA, or she did something crazy with the kids like turning them against me -- it would be so much more clear-cut what to do (for me). But that's what happened with him. He gave her a few months, decided she was not willing to work on it, and moved on. They attempted a couple reconciliations down the road, but his XW wouldn't commit to trying.
He got me thinking that I have been lying to myself a little bit. I'm living on my own, kind of enjoying the bachelor lifestyle of having things in my house my way, not reporting to anybody. It's kind of nice. But it's still limbo. I'm not really building a life. I'm doing stuff with friends, going to work, working on myself, but I'm still in a holding pattern with my W. This is not my long-term life. I need a plan in place, I need to own my life. I need a timeline, if only in my head.
There has been some improvement with my W since the pre-BD days. We can actually discuss difficult subjects (kids, finances) without emotion taking over (especially on her side). It's a shame we can not hit rewind now and go back 3 years with out updated skill sets... but such is life.
Everyone's situation is different. What works or didn't work for him has no bearing on your R. Its good to get other opinions, and it's good to vent to friends out of frustrationand anger or sadness, but as I said above, it's your sit, not his.
If theres been improvement with W, even if its modest - that's a good thing! Be glad for that
I know you need a plan in place - I got that about you the first time I read your sit but you cannot really plan out limbo, it just happens. So I think it's more doing things for yourself so you can see what happens or what you might do after this period of transition is complete.
Originally Posted by Unchien
I respect that my W shared in MC that she is not ready to do deeper couples work.
I agree that she isn't. My W is not either. That will take quite some time. Since I have decided to stand I'm willing to let that time pass for now. I'm not eager to get into any other R - it would just be a rebound thing at this point anyway and I'd bring the same problems into it, you know?
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I just don't know if it is healthy for me to be waiting, or if this is even "fixable". The abuse narrative runs strong. If it is really true then for her own well-being (and mine as well) we honestly should split. Does she think of a path to R as she heals and I am completely penitent? Is that really healthy for me?
Since shes operating on emotional thinking and you are operating on logical thinking, I wouldn't expect these two lines of thought to converge until a later time. Unfortunately I can't give much help here as i am in a similar situation as far as it being "fixable". I also have to wait and see.
Originally Posted by Unchien
Maybe this is just a simple emotional recalibration, recognizing I was riding a little too high with the PMA and GAL and feeling good about things for awhile.
It's ok, this is normal. I'm going through it too. It will pass again, remember to breathe, and take care of yourself.
