You strike me as someone very well in touch and in control of your emotions. That is a very strong position to be in.
I'm not particularly worried that you will make a mistake with your vulnerability in either direction (either by shutting out your H or letting him back in). But keep posting if you do have that worry.
It does seem like you feel uncomfortable not knowing which direction to go and maybe that discomfort is taking up a lot of your headspace lately? Just an impression I have -- maybe granting yourself a healthy reprieve to let go of this question for awhile would help you carve out some mental space? Another one of those Zen paradoxical ideas...
