Curtis, I'm afraid I have to agree with Neffer and Joe, You're trying to force RV down her throat and it's just going to be a huge failure. I've been through it, I know exactly what happens there and what the atmosphere is and I guarantee you she is not going to embrace it given her current mindset. I think you should punt.
Originally Posted by curtis7
They also stated that a commitment needs to be made to attend both the weekend and all 6 post sessions. Again, they stated the program doesn't work if the post sessions aren't attended as well.
Having been through it and half the followup sessions, my take is that you've got this backwards. Or if they explained it that way then they have it backwards. The problem is this- if one or both of the couple don't buy in then they are not going to finish the followups. It's not that the program doesn't work unless you complete it all, it's that if your W isn't "all in" then you'll likely never make it through all the followups (which is what happened to me). The program doesn't work with a full-blown WAS, I am 100% convinced of that. It works wonders for someone who is on their way to being a WAS, or for struggling couples trying to figure out why they are not getting along. But once one has both feet out the door it's not going to pull them back in.
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She said she would only commit to participating through Saturday.
Then don't go. If she can't even commit to the whole weekend then there's no point.
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Being judged by others. I explained that the only time we share anything with the group is during introductions.
It's actually peppered through the program. But it is completely voluntary. You can really unload, or you can say nothing.
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4) Her uncommon views of MR not agreeing with the Christian definition of MR. I asked her to help me understand this more and she basically stated that she doesn't believe in MR and implied that she can't be (or doesn't want to be) monogamous. She said that I shouldn't have high expectations and not be surprised if the teachings don't work on her because I will likely be disappointed.
All RV works on is communication. If she doesn't believe in marriage or monogamy, there's nothing that will happen there that will change her mind.
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The door was open for her to be honest about her affairs, but she was still not willing to open up about them. I told her that honesty is very important to me moving forward and that is what I want to show her and the example I want to set for our kids. I told her I don't really know how she feels in the 4+ months since leaving since this is really the first time we really talked like this. I told her that I've tried to give her space and distance over this time to figure things out as she requested and she agreed that I have. She said she still doesn't know how she feels. I said there are some things better unknown because it's kind of like once you've seen it, then it can't be unseen. I told her that I can know enough about the past without knowing everything to try and re-establish trust. She said she doesn't know if she can't get passed everything herself and feel like I will not guilt or manipulate or be able to trust her. I replied I don't know either and won't until we are ready to try.
That was one big R talk that accomplished absolutely nothing. I'm wondering why you thought this was a good time to start pushing and pursuing her? Because it's seems like a really bad time to do it to me.
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She said we are good friends right now and that's it. She doesn't feel anything else for me (FZ...great). I told her I need to be more than just friends, I want to be more than an afterthought. She complained about not being able to live the way she wants financially right now. She teared up and said she doesn't want to come back only for materialistic reasons. I agreed with her that's not why I want her to come back either, I said I want her to come back because she wants to be with me.
I can't stress enough that this convo should absolutely, positively not have happened. You are just pushing her farther and farther away. You're sounding desperate and needy.
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She clearly has a lack of attraction and minimal respect for me right now.
Yes.
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I feel like telling her that she will not know how she feels about me and us until she breaks off all contact with the OM.
You're wasting your time. Do this- cancel RV. Tell her you realize after your talk with her that it's not an appropriate time for that. Then completely and fully detach from her. No R talks, no chatty convos, no cutesy texts, NOTHING. You want to possibly save your M? Stop what you're doing and start DB'ing.
