You mentioned an apology letter a couple weeks ago, now a new letter.
NO LETTERS!!!
I learned this the hard way, it is ingrained into the fabric of my being.
Originally Posted by Rick71
I say a letter because that way I can lay it all out with out interruption, plus I'm not good with confrontation in person. I always leave things unsaid because I lose my train of thought.
You want to avoid confrontation by writing a letter, because you are bad with confrontation. I've been there too.
2x4 - it's time to work on your conflict avoidance. The instinct to write a letter is a maladaptive coping mechanism that is holding back all of your relationships. Writing letters is conflict avoidance. It is not healthy for your MR, or any relationship for that matter.
Let me guess: When you and your W have conflict, in the heat of the moment, she starts talking, and your mind is racing. You are trying to listen to her, and you start to feel overwhelmed and your brain locks up. You start to feel like your truth carries less weight than hers. After the fact you are frustrated and perhaps angry about this. You want to go back and fix it.
So you want to write a letter and lay it all out there. That way you can organize your thoughts in a nice structured flow.
It... does... not... work.
I would go so far as to say the act of letter writing is controlling. You want to structure everything perfectly because you want to control how your W interprets the message. You want her to "get it."
I did exactly this! it doesn't work. It's not about your W, it is about basic human communication. Up your game, work on yourself. You'll be glad you did it, it will improve ALL of your relationships.
It is super difficult to get over this hump. There's lots of advice here on improving conflict avoidance. Validation is a start. Ultimately I think this is about getting in touch with your values and your needs, seeing them as equally valid as anybody else's, feeling secure, and then handling conflict starts to become second nature. Letting go of expectations of the outcome of a conversation -- also a must.
Incidentally, the other problem with a letter is the permanence of it. You will hear caution about creating evidence which could be legally problematic, your W can read it over and over for the rest of her life, etc. But fundamentally I hope you can see the problem I have with the instinct to write a letter, which is that you are choosing to continue a poor style of communication rather than work on your own issues.
