Thanks IW. I bought so many books the last 4 months that I've taken a break. I'm going to put TPoN at the top of my list.

I'm feeling kind of lousy lately. Because I've committed to PMA I didn't really notice it, but I realize I've been faking the PMA a bit. Melancholy is probably the right word.

Part of this is just missing the heck out of my kids.

I went to dinner with a friend who lives out of state last night. He is D'd with 3 kids and has rebuilt his personal life. He has really helped me dig out of the personal hole I was in back in April. We talked about my W wanting to focus on IC right now, that she is not ready to talk about the deeper emotional issues with me right now.

My friend pointed out that I can't be expected to wait around forever. His situation was not exactly the same as mine. His W was bored, said she didn't know what she wanted, and they lived in the same house. She refused MC. Eventually my friend said he couldn't do it anymore and they joint filed for D amicably. Later on they had a big custody battle where she accused him of abuse and called CPS on him several times (for no reason at all).

I mentioned that I worry there will never be a trigger event to push me along. If we had a big blow-up fight, or found out she had a PA, or she did something crazy with the kids like turning them against me -- it would be so much more clear-cut what to do (for me). But that's what happened with him. He gave her a few months, decided she was not willing to work on it, and moved on. They attempted a couple reconciliations down the road, but his XW wouldn't commit to trying.

He got me thinking that I have been lying to myself a little bit. I'm living on my own, kind of enjoying the bachelor lifestyle of having things in my house my way, not reporting to anybody. It's kind of nice. But it's still limbo. I'm not really building a life. I'm doing stuff with friends, going to work, working on myself, but I'm still in a holding pattern with my W. This is not my long-term life. I need a plan in place, I need to own my life. I need a timeline, if only in my head.

There has been some improvement with my W since the pre-BD days. We can actually discuss difficult subjects (kids, finances) without emotion taking over (especially on her side). It's a shame we can not hit rewind now and go back 3 years with out updated skill sets... but such is life.

I respect that my W shared in MC that she is not ready to do deeper couples work. Her identification with being abused is really really strong. I've talked about this at length on my posts. I don't believe I was an abusive monster at the time, and I certainly have changed now. But I will have an open conversation with her in MC if she is willing to share. I own my responsibility for things that have happened.

I just don't know if it is healthy for me to be waiting, or if this is even "fixable". The abuse narrative runs strong. If it is really true then for her own well-being (and mine as well) we honestly should split. Does she think of a path to R as she heals and I am completely penitent? Is that really healthy for me? It is not my narrative. But her narrative is so strong that I feel there is no room for my story. I mentioned this in MC in a roundabout way - I said I didn't think we could work on the MR issues that I saw until my W was prepared to be more vulnerable.

Maybe this is just a simple emotional recalibration, recognizing I was riding a little too high with the PMA and GAL and feeling good about things for awhile.