Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2

[sandi2]

Hey, thoughts on keeping the "road paved" back? Examples:

1) W texts me a funny pic of the dog randomly, says "can you believe she...?" - how do I respond?
2) W invites me in when dropping D3 off - do I accept?
3) W starts asking about my separation plans (e.g. "have you booked movers to go to your new house, yet?") - how do I respond?
4) W wants help with something (e.g. "I need to have some body work done on my car, is there a place you recommend?"
5) We are still sharing various accounts (Amazon, Netflix, etc.) - do I take her off once we separate finances? If it makes a difference I am some of "hers", too.
6) How much should I share about my plans? I'm not doing anything to impress her so I don't feel the need to proactively share what I'm doing, but if I say I have plans on Fri and she asks what they are, how much should I share?

I guess I'm trying to figure out the balance between letting her eat cake (good friend but no more) and pushing her away (like, right now she thinks that I want space from her).

Anything else I should be thinking about? Any good resources for post-D interactions (aside from continued GAL, being best dad, being AMOAFWL, following through on commitments)?

This type of stuff would make me furious, if I were in the shoes of the LBS. I mean, you could do absolutely nothing right in her opinion and she did not want to work on the MR, but the minute she moves out she wants to be in the family photos and be your best pal?

I suppose every person has their own idea of what it means to keep the road back paved smoothly, and I'll give you my thoughts on it in a minute. Your MR was in trouble before you started cheating, b/c she didn't want to have sex with you.........and that's usually a red flag. I don't know that she'll ever forgive you, but she'll never forget and probably won't let you forget the affairs, either. I thought Bluwave gave you excellent advise, but can't say that you followed it. By that, I mean that you couldn't save the M, b/c you needed to work on your issues first, and give her time & space from you. Instead, you placed yourself into a position that was very unattractive to your W.......which male cheaters seem to do as a way of trying to make up to their W. Anyway, I won't rehash all of that again.

I don't see keeping the road back paved smoothly meaning you become your ex's BFF. I don't think it means becoming her enemy, either. The things you listed in your post above, are actions of an new XW who wants to keep a certain amount of control and/or connection in the personal life of the H she just dumped. She still wants to be included in your extended family's celebrations/events. She expects you to be available to her whenever she needs tech assistance, plumbing, automobile issues, errand boy, free counseling when she's having a pity party, or a buddy if she's bored. However, she has no intention of building this type of relationship into anything romantic/sexual. In other words, she continues taking advantage, or as I like to say......."using" her LBH.

IMHO, keeping the road paved smoothly is not creating a situation where it would make getting back together impossible or extremely stressful........as long as you hope to reconcile with your XW. My favorite example, (b/c I've seen it happen right here on the board), is a man who jumped into a rebound relationship with OW. Then his W wanted to reconcile. But then........guess what? OW tells him she is pregnant. So, you see the problem. Keeping the road paved smoothly doesn't mean you bend over backward to accommodate your XW, but you don't try to be her worst enemy, either.

I suggest you keep things on a business level for several months, maybe a year. Don't engage in texting except in matters about kids. Finances should be settled before the S/D, and a schedule for kids set. You don't go inside her new place! You pull up and pick the kids up at the door, and deliver them at the door. You aren't there to be chummy with the gal you could never please. Remember her? Well, you leave her alone. You don't ask her any questions about her life, and you don't offer information about your own. Strictly business only. This gives a much needed break that she needs from the emotional hurt and bitterness that is connected to you. She has to be away from you in order to sort it out, and just maybe.......try to heal. But as long as you are available whenever she texts or calls with some "excuse", she won't work through the anger and bitterness. First thing you know, she'll be bringing things up in conversation or messages........how selfish you are, etc. So, it's time to drop the rope and move on with your life. I don't advise you to get into another relationship for a couple of years, but you don't have to stop living and GAL.

She won't like this arrangement, but she wanted out of the M.......and she doesn't get to have it both ways. Trust me when I say that by her reacting this quickly to wanting to be in family photos and sending these type of texts..........she plans to "use" you. Yes, it is cake eating! Just remember that she fired you and removed herself from the position of your wife. So, outside of kid swaps, why should there be all these texts messages? No, don't fall into that trap where she's sending you pictures off the Internet, or whatever. Don't acknowledge that kind of stuff. Some women send photos of the kids every twenty minutes, or ask LBH to send her photos when it's his turn to keep the kids.......mostly b/c they are addicted to their phones, and b/c they want to keep that string attached. They want the divorce, but they don't want the consequences that come with the divorce. I'm not saying you should be punitive, but I'm just trying to warn you what to expect.

I think it's time to cut out MC, if that is still going on. She can get IC, and you can continue with IC. Hopefully, within a couple of years, she can start letting go of some things and moving forward. I realize that sounds like a long time, but realistically, when dealing with these type of issues, it's not that long. Whether you reconcile the M or not, if she can heal enough, then the two of you may be able to get on closer terms. Only time will tell.