I spoke in my last post about being broken. I am still broken. I think I always will be. But less broken. The pieces moving about and shifting daily as I work out who it is I am now that I am without him. I do like the person I am becoming though. A few things have changed. I call him my ex instead of my h. I feel single whereas before I felt 'separated'. When I speak to other men, or flirt or whatever, there is no guilt. Not even in retrospect.
The process is a long and hard one. I am finding peace. I still think that he and I are two people who should be together, who love one another. I can see it in his eyes. I know it is where the passive aggressiveness comes from. I know that it is his lack of humility and my stupid pride that stops us from being together.
There was much 'space' when he left. Space that I threw everything at to fill: the gym, going out with friends, dating, pampering, reading books, whatever I could do to stop myself from breaking down. GAL. Absolutely the best thing I could have done. I did the inwards journey too. I found that I am a good person who is worth knowing. The lessons have stuck and I have a life. I wonder if, now that the space has filled, I will ever be willing to make space for another person. That would also take a willingness to make myself vulnerable, and I am not sure that is something I will ever be able to do.
Anyway, this was supposed to be an update on where I am today.
I have just come back from a solo trip to Croatia. It was utterly, mind-blowingly brilliant. I did a solo travellers tour (not a singles tour). We rafted down a river, jumped off waterfalls, went on mammoth hikes, ate lots of really good food, learnt some history and drank a lot (good drinking, not falling over drinking). I met some really interesting people I would not have met otherwise. We shared stories whilst people watching in some of the most beautiful places in Europe. I did not think about my H at all whilst I was away other than to work out if it would be a good time or not to call the girls (they were in Spain with him).
I am taking the girls to Greece next week and he is going away to god knows where. He did not tell me about the second week until 2 days ago. I am annoyed, not because he is going away, not because he didn't tell me but because the burden of childcare falls on me again. I knew it always would - he gave me the schedule at the end of last month, but he didn't say anything about going away. I thought he was working, not going on effing holidays again.
I stopped dating in July. I did not like it. It seemed false. Each time I was out, I knew it wasn't right. Not guilt, just an unwillingness to actually be in a relationship. And I know it's just dating, but isn't it wasting the other person's time if you're heart really isnt' into the process? In any case, if it's just validation I need, I meet enough people normally who give me that validation, and to be honest, I have enough self esteem that I don't really need validation from other people. And if it's just physical intimacy, I don't need to meet someone on an app to do that. I'm a female, I'm relatively attractive and I can carry a conversation, so really, all I need is to be present and willing.
Sorry about long post. I just thought it was time.
I promise to try and be a little less stream of consciousness next time.
